ultimatums (2)

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3 months later

"Down girl!" Justin hissed lowly, and shut the front door behind him with his foot. Letting out a much needed sigh of relief, he set the last box containing his belongings, down on the new stainless hardwood floor.

Justin fell back onto the couch in exhaustion, listening in on Esther's loud and obnoxious barking. He glanced down momentarily and saw that she was trying to hop up onto the couch by scratching at the wooden posts.

Chuckling lightly, Justin picked up his small dog, and placed her on his lap. She was panting softly, and her eyes were wandering around the fairly empty apartment. Justin knew it would take some time getting used to for both of them.

"How do you like the new place girl?" Justin asked in a high pitched tone, ruffling the top Esther's ears.

Obviously the young dog wouldn't respond, but Justin could tell from her body language that the newly vacated apartment was much different from the last.

"It's a change, but it's a good change." Justin mumbled softly into Esther's fur, before she jumped off of the couch, her paws scratching against the hardwood floors, most likely to explore the new place.

Justin liked to think what he said was genuine, but the more he thought about it, the more he asked himself; Is he trying to convince Esther, or himself of something that will never be true?

If change was really as good as it is portrayed, then why does Justin still feel so empty? Why does he feel a void in which his heart that is missing?

You're supposed to flourish and become a whole new, better person after a breakup, yet Justin found himself stuck at a crossroad between self destruction and hopefulness.

At first he thought he just needed time, time to simply heal. But with each passing day, he felt his ability to feel slowly deteriorating.

It's like how you take the clothes off of a mannequin it has no meaning. Except Justin's life was the mannequin and the clothes were Jason himself.

He hated it, the fact that Jason had so much control over his emotions. Even three months later, Justin knew he would still do anything for Jason.

Now he sees, the level of bullshit people spew, about starting over or making amends. It was just that, bullshit. As if moving into a new apartment across the city would ever make him forget about the man he spent the last three years with. He regrets it, that whole night. He realizes he'd rather be Jason's secret, than not have him at all.

It didn't matter anyway, Justin was aware that their relationship never meant as much to Jason, as it did to him. The second they got back to New York, Jason was already pictured with another woman on his arm the very next day.

Jason held Justin's heart in the palm of his hands, and with every single picture of him kissing, fondling, or holding hands with another woman, he might as well have threw Justin's heart on the ground, and stomped on it with his foot. Which is exactly what he felt every moment he wasn't with Jason.

Crying was no good, he's shed enough tears over that man for a whole lifetime. There was no fucking point in crying, but then again was there ever?

As if the salty liquid diamonds ever fixed anything, it just made you feel worse at the end of the day.

Justin didn't have anyone to talk to either. His family and friends back in Canada never even knew about his relationship, its not like he could ever confide in them.

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