10 (Edited on 11/6/16)

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Please point out any mistakes you might find while reading

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Please point out any mistakes you might find while reading.

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10

Randall Flats makes his move, pushing against the crowd he goes after her and within moments his fingers wrap around her arm, pulling her backwards. He calls out her name but she's too frightened to turn around and see him standing next to her.

In that second, her energy flows through him like a bolt of electricity filled with both pleasure and pain. It lasts for only a moment before she slips away, breaking their connection, and his high is gone.

Her golden glow pulses in her heightened state of anxiety, surging against the dullness of the bodies surrounding her. She keeps going until she all but disappears into the darkness. She's a special one. Unlike all the others, she stands out as a more powerful and brighter being. He's going to enjoy this one for a little while longer before he goes in for the kill.

Words: 148

Question time:

Please be as honest as you can so I can improve my story. If something sucks I'd rather hear the truth. Also answer with inline comments so I can easily go through them and know which answer goes to what.

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Does the opening hook you as a reader?

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