8. And then dance around in tutus and umbrellas.

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THE SHARPENER CALLED MR. PIG
There was a sharpener called Mr. Pig
Who did a great jig.
Though it was often called Piggy,
But to the hen-called Wiggy,
She thought Mr. Pig
Was a wig.
Especially so she could wear it
But she didn't know if it would fit
So when she put it on,
She had actually won!
The disfigured face comp
Which took place in a swamp
Was won by the hen
Because she used a dark green pen
To draw on her face
A weirdly shaped mace!
The result was that
She received a certificate and hat
Because her face was so disfiguredly bad
It made everyone go mad.
Everyone fried their pants
And made up chants
About Mr. Pig
Who had turned into a fig!
Which Wiggy ate
For she didn't know it was her old mate
But it didn't agree with her tummy
Which cried for its Mummy
Wiggy needed to make it settle
So she sat on a nettle.
It poked her butt
Then played Putt Putt
Of its own accord
Then played the record
Button
So everyone could witness it turning into mutton
Still attached to the hen
Who transformed into several men.
They danced the Can-Can
In front of the fan
They froze to ice
Then turned into little mice
Who ate all the cheese
Which is why I couldn't make a sandwich
The one that would make me rich!
But the cheese had been radioactively strange
Sort of green and sort of deranged
So the mice started glowing
And then started mowing
The grass with their teeth
And one of them made a wreath
From the chopped up grass
And some broken glass
Which he'd found on the floor
After practising his roar
Because he liked lions
In fact, his name was Ryans
Just because he liked cats
And sat on rats
Even though he was a mouse
Who lived in Pete's house.
Pete was a bean
Except not very clean,
But at least he liked sheep
Especially if they yelled, "MEEP!"
At him when he walked past
But not very fast
Because he liked to see them
Chew at their shirts' hems
Instead of the grass
Which was actually glass
So in fact it was good
That they didn't see it as food.
Ryans was brown
And sort of well, down
Not meaning he was sad,
Because he was just a lad
And didn't feel sad a lot
Unless he jumped into a pot
Full of green
Which made him all clean
Because he didn't like being neat
Instead he liked to eat
Feet
But not really, they weren't the type of meat
He liked the lolly version
Given to him daily by the surgeon
Who happened to be his uncle Lid
Who had a friend called Sid
But Sid was weird
He liked to be seared
Every month by the sun
You see, he thought it was fun
Because he was a frankfurt
And he didn't think it hurt
But Ryans ran away whenever he saw Sid
Because Sid wanted to be rid
Of him because he liked lolly feet
Even though they actually weren't meat
But Sid didn't care
Neither did he have any hair
So he just sat down and ate a pie
Which he ate, wearing a tie
Not knowing it had beef
Which is really not found in a reef
Like Sid thought
But pies were what he bought
Every day.
At the shops that were made of clay
That was made of mops
Mainly 'cause it was a janitors closet full of tops
Of socks
He was collecting them to make locks
Of hair
For his imaginary bear
For he believed it would stop his fartin'
He called its condition Martin
And yelled, "PARPING RAINBOWS!"
So loud it reached the tip of your toes!
He yelled it every time Bear farted
Which Mr. Pig hearted
The yummy taste of parps
Which played harps
Just for the fun of it
And for some reason, they received bits
For their pets- the Butticorns
So they could trample on lawns
And then dance around in tutus and umbrellas.

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