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'I'll be good, I'll be goodAnd I'll love the world, like I shouldYeah, I'll be good, I'll be goodFor all of the timeThat I never could,' I sing softly

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'I'll be good, I'll be good
And I'll love the world, like I should
Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good
For all of the time
That I never could,' I sing softly. 

My dad used to sing this song for me when I couldn't sleep. So did my mom sometimes before he died. I just to love this song but when my dad died, I hated it. I don't know why he sang this song. It isn't exactly a song you sing if your child can't sleep. It's more a song you sing when you feel horrible. That's exactly how I feel right now. I feel horrible. And that's why I sing this song. I hate the song. But it reminds me of my mom and dad. I miss my dad. I also miss my mom. I saw my mom for like five minutes when I was back in camp Jaha. I saw my dad the last time in space. It still hurts. The nightmares are gone. I don't know how but they're gone. I'm glad, but also sad. It was the only time I could see my dad even it wasn't real and he tried to kill me. It was the only time I could see him. I feel tears streaming down on my cheeks but I don't care. I want my dad back. I want my mom. I want them back. 

'Hey, are you okay?' 
I ignore her. I don't want to talk to anyone. Not even Octavia. 

'Emily, please. Talk to me. I'm sorry that I shouted at you. I was just frustrated and sad. Please say something.' 
I look at her with tears in my eyes.

'I want him back,' I cry out. 

Octavia looks questioned at me. 
'What do you mean? You haven't lost Bellamy. He's always-' 
'No that's not what I meant. I want my dad back,' I cut her off. 

'We all want someone back,' she says while she lets herself drop next to me. 
She sits next to me and grabs my hand. I don't want to talk about this. Not with her. Not with Clarke or Bellamy. I only want to talk about this with my mom. Only she understands what I really want.

'Can you braid my hair?' I ask Octavia. 
She looks shocked at me but nods eventually. She sits behind me and put the braid that I already had out. She starts to braid my hair. 
'I'm sorry I said that we can't get Lincoln better. If you guys have hope then I  should too,' I say. 
'It's okay. Now tell me, why did walk away?' 

'I just couldn't. I couldn't look at Lincoln. I couldn't look at you. I couldn't look at Bellamy and Clarke. It hurts me. It hurts me knowing one of my friends is dying. One of them hates me. And the other two makes me jealous,' I whisper.
'I don't hate you, Emily. I just got mad. I have that sometimes. And why are you jealous? You know Bellamy loves you. He would never leave you for Clarke,' Octavia tells me.
'Have you seen the way he looks at her? Just look at him when she's around. You'll will understand why I'm jealous once you see it. Bellamy always had a thing for Clarke.'
Octavia's fingers stop moving for a second but then she continues braiding my hair.

'Maybe you're right. Maybe Bellamy does have a thing for her,' Octavia suddenly says.
'Octavia, you're not really helping,' I say sad.
In this situation she is supposed to say, he doesn't have a thing for her and if he does I will beat his ass. That's what she's supposed to say but no. She says that maybe he has a thing for her. That's not really helpfull for me. It just hurts me even more.