Forgot to Mention [Completed]

Day 27

     I think it's time to just talk about life right now. Every note so far has been jumping from day to day with no specific topic other than what I feel at that certain time but I need to get some things off my chest for you.

To start, I can't sleep. It seems to be a reoccurring issue at night that I thought would just go away but hasn't. I constantly have things going through my head that prevent sleep from consuming me and things that fill me with hate, rage, sadness and emotions I can no longer control.

I worry. I worry about tomorrow. I worry about looking in the mirror and seeing someone fat and someone so hideous that is so damn undeserving of love. I worry that tomorrow will be worse than the day before. That there's still a possible way, you'll break my heart even more.

On top of sleep, I can't speak. I have a fear of fucking up so badly that I'll get laughed at, or talked about, or some other bull shit that comes with being me.

I'm lonely. I feel more alone than ever. I have no one to talk to and no one to talk to me. I feel so secluded to my writing that it's the only thing giving me hope at this very moment.

I'm scared. I'm honestly terrified of life right now and all the darkness it has in it. There is no love here. There is just nothingness.

I'm having issues with jealousy. I see happy couples on perfect dates that I wished to be someday. I see boys asking girls on dates, to dances, to their houses... Anywhere. I never got that and I will never get that.
It hurts.

I'm tired

I'm physically and mentally tired of everything.

I'm sick.

I can barely go a day with throwing up food from hating the taste or having so much anxiety and worry eating me alive that I lose my appetite.

I'm slowly losing the game called life.
I'm slowly losing hope.
I'm slowly losing my mind.
I'm slowly getting closer ...
....And closer

To the end.