The Unedited Edition
by Jane Austen
Surely anyone who has read Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice will never forget the iconic scene where Lady Catherine de Bourgh confronts Elizabeth Bennet, accusing her of intending to marry Mr. Darcy to climb the social ladder. Many consider this scene to be the climax of the class tension expressed throughout the book. Few readers, however, know that this scene was heavily edited before publication. Though seemingly innocent to the contemporary reader, the original text was considered far too explicit at the turn of the nineteenth century. It is this historian's hope that the reader will find this unedited edition just as climactic and a truer embodiment of Austen's literary genius.
- Dr. Reginald Farnsworth III, PhD
As soon as I see that little slut, I'm gonna kick her in the snatch! thought Lady Catherine de Bourgh as she gazed out the window of her exquisite carriage. Whenever the Lady of Rosings was vexed, she would draw a deep breath and try to take in the scenery, but as she looked upon the countryside of Hertfordshire, she could not help but think, I'd sooner roll in all the horse shit in Rosings than visit this cum dumpster again.
When at last her long journey came to an end, her dutiful driver helped her out. When she first saw the Bennet residence, she turned to her humble servant and said, "This hovel? I wouldn't take a shit here with your ass!"
"Yes, m'lady," the driver said with a bow.
As the noble lady approached the house, the Bennets' faithful servant Wilfred opened the front door. "My lady-" he started.
Lady Catherine raised a lace-gloved hand and said, "The cloth rubbing against my twat is worth more than you'll make in a lifetime. Get the fuck out of my way."
The esteemed lady entered the drawing room of the Bennet residence, where the family sat drinking tea. Elizabeth Bennet stood, surprised to receive such an honored guest. "Lady Catherine?" she exclaimed.
The rest of the family immediately stood. Mrs. Bennet cried, "Lady Catherine de Bourgh? Of Rosings? To what do we owe this enormous pleasure?"
"Stuff a cock in it, peasant," the venerable lady replied. She turned to Ms. Elizabeth Bennet with the posture and poise becoming a lady of her station and said, "Outside, bitch! Just you and me."
The Bennet family complied with the wishes of the esteemed and respected lady. Elizabeth escorted Lady Catherine to the garden, while the rest of the family returned to their tea.
When the two ladies were alone, Lady Catherine turned to Ms. Bennet and inquired, "You're fucking my nephew, aren't you?"
"Excuse me?" replied the young Ms. Bennet.
Lady Catherine promptly repeated. "You're fucking my nephew," and added, "You waved your smelly little gold digger pussy around my nephew's face, and now you're fucking him."
Elizabeth Bennet was not as skilled in the art of conversation as the Widow de Bourgh and was unsure of the most appropriate response. She settled for a simple, "Bitch, I might be!"
Lady Catherine was quite taken aback. She had grown used to the ladies and gentlemen around her heeding her pearls of wisdom with quiet and respectful contemplation. This Ms. Bennet had most certainly committed a terrible impropriety, and it was the duty of the renowned Lady to educate the young girl.
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