It's been four days. Four days of antagonising pain, yesterday the depression set in so I'm feeling even worse. I just want this to end. No matter what I do the pain doesn't go away, my brain is calling out for me to take just one drag of weed or just one small drop of alcohol. After four years my body has become so used to how I've been treating it that now it doesn't know what to do with itself.
I've locked my door so nobody can come and see me. I don't want to see anybody right now especially my family because nobody deserves to see the unpleasant state that I have gotten myself into. Jessica, Matt and Tom came round to visit me yesterday but I refused to see them too. I won't even open my door when someone brings food to me in fact the only time I will open the door is to run to the bathroom.
Mum and dad are really worried about me, they keep telling me to go to the doctors but I see no point as I know why I am like this. Besides, there is nothing that they can do which can help me. I'm not ready to face the world yet let alone go to the doctors where there are drugs - they may not have weed but there are other drugs which I am sure can ease my urges.
I cry out in pain as my stomach burns. It feels as though a knife is being stabbed into my body then twisted before being yanked out and jabbed back in again. I curl into a ball as tears stream down my face.
A knock on my door distracts me momentarily from my pain.
"Please just leave me alone," I call out.
"Isaac it's me." I hear the innocent voice of the girl who won't give up on trying to help me.
"Please just leave."
"Isaac I know you don't want to see anybody but this isn't healthy. You can't pull through this on your own. You need your friends and family around you. We need you, Isaac." Her voice is shaking, it sounds as though she is going to burst into tears. I hear her fall against my door and slide down the wood. "Please, Isaac I need you. I hate seeing you like this I want to help you."
"Nothing can help me. I deserve all of this pain. I deserve this depression. I don't deserve people helping me because it was my stupid fault for getting caught up in the wrong crowd and allowing myself to get like this." A tear strolls down my cheek. "Jessica I'm sorry but you have to move on from me and find someone who isn't a broken screwed up mess. Find decent friends and people who won't cause you issues like I will." It pains me more to say those words but I know it will be in the best interest for Jessica and right now I can't drag any more people down with me.
"No, I am not giving up on you. You can tell me to go away as many times as you want but I won't listen. I'm staying here and I will help you. I don't want to move on. I can't move on."
"I can't Isaac. Do you want to know why? Because I like you. I really flaming like you. I love your tousled hair which is always so perfectly swept. I love how deep your eyes are and the way you search for the best in people. I love your smile and the way you can make anyone else smile with it. I love the way you are so determined to become a better person and how determined you are to help your friends. I really really like you Isaac so no I will not give up on you and I certainly won't move on because I can't. I couldn't even if I wanted to." She mutters the last sentence but I still just about hear it. I can't believe that she thinks that way about me. I knew she liked me just like she knows that I like her hence why we went onto that date but I never knew that she felt that passionately. I open my mouth to reply but no words come out. I close my mouth and try again but I fail as no words leave my tongue.
I can hear her softens which breaks my heart. I hate seeing and hearing people cry let alone the ones I care about. I stand up but my body forces me to sit back down on the bed so I do. I fall back down and cry out in pain as that sensation repeats itself in my stomach. My head is pounding and feels as though it's close to exploding.
"I'm sorry," Jessica says. I can hear some footsteps walk away from my room so I know that she has left. What has she got to be worried about? I've probably screwed up a perfectly good friendship. Heck, I've probably screwed up my chances of a relationship with her because I'm too selfish. I'm so selfish and that's my main problem. If I wasn't so selfish then I wouldn't have taken those drugs. If I wasn't so selfish I wouldn't have abused the alcohol like I did. If I wasn't so selfish I wouldn't be sitting here right now wallowing in my own self-pity while the girl I like is walking away. Soon I'm going to have nothing left because I'm going to push everyone and everything away. Maybe that's the best thing to do. Be on my own then I can't hurt anyone. Give me a day or two and I'm sure everyone else will turn their back on me because I'll screw up with them as well just like I did with Jess.
I'm worried, hurt, angry, upset and so much more. I'm feeling emotions that I haven't felt before. I don't know what to do, what to say or what to feel because everything is crashing down on me all at once.
I enter my house and run straight up to my room. I log onto my computer then onto Skype. I can see that my best friend Jenna is online so I video call her. Jenna's my best friend, we have been friends for years and we swore that when I move we will keep in touch. So far we have video-called each other a lot - practically every day if not every other day.
"Jessie!" Jenna calls enthusiastically as soon as she answers. "Oh my, gosh are you okay?" I shake my head to say no as I break down into tears. Jenna tries to calm down while saying soothing comments towards me. Eventually, I stop crying enough to be able to tell her briefly without going into massive detail what is wrong.
"I really like him and he just doesn't care. He's locked himself away and told me to leave him alone, move on and find someone new. When I told him how I felt he didn't say anything."
"Babes I seriously wouldn't take it to heart. If he is in withdrawal then he probably doesn't know what he is saying. Look at that time Stefan went into withdrawal from not having blood. He said a lot of things to Elena which he didn't mean." I laugh softly at Jenna's reference to our favourite TV show. "Give him time but don't give up on him. Make sure that he knows you'll be there for him."
I carry on talk to Jenna, taking in all of her expertly good advice and agreeing with basically everything that she says. This is one of the main reasons why we are best friends. We have always known how to cheer each other up. We've always known what to say and when to say it. Nine times out of ten Jenna is right with her advice I just wish I knew how to cope with this more so I could help Isaac.
Tomorrow and maybe the day after I am just going to go to school and come straight home. Isaac is going to need and want some space to get his head around everything but as Jenna said. I don't want him feeling alone so I may drop him a text asking if he's okay or something. That way he knows that I'm there but I'm not going around and pestering him.
Nodding at the plan that I've just come up with I finish my video call with Jenna before yawning. I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted due to all of the emotions that I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I wish things were easier but this is just one of life's many hurdles. As soon as we've worked our way over this hurdle, things will be easier for a little while.
Not caring that I haven't had any dinner I change and climb into bed. My bed is my haven right now. It's the one place where I can dream and forget my problems. Closing my eyes I swiftly drift off to sleep. Hopefully, things will improve soon.
YOU ARE READING
Isaac is your typical popular, bad boy jock. He has the looks, the brains and the girls. He has everything that a boy his age could ever want. His family aren't rich however they have enough money to live comfortably. One particular girl catches Dr...