I sat on the green grass as I laid down a single sunflower in front of the tomb stone. This act had become routine for me for the past couple of years. This was where no one would nother me abput stupid things. I could have peace a quiet. I could talk to the one man that could judge me for what I've done and actually understand me, as opposed to just believe what everyone has said.
" Roy is my daughter" I told him.
It's been a couple of weeks since Cailin told me the truth. It was so much of a shock to me that I didn't really know how to react to it the couple of days leading up after that. What I did do was call Jess. I knew Jess would have known. Jess was her godmother after all.
Now remembering Roy, I was surprised I couldn't see it sooner. Roy looks exactly like Jess. Roy looks like my mother. The thought of that brought tears to my eyes knowing that a part of my mother was in Roy, my daughter. Kian and Roy were siblings. The best part was that they already got along great without even knowing the truth.
A couple of days later, I called Cailin. But she never answered. I continued to call her but I would never get a response back. She was ignoring me. I tried going to her apartment, but she wasn't there. Through Instagram, I figured out she was in L.A. doing some shows. I wanted to talk to her. I want to see Roy. I wanted to see my daughter.
Did Roy know the truth?
Did Cailin talk to her about me?
My phone began vibrating in my pocket. I took it out to see who was calling me, but decided to ignore it seeing that it was Lia. She was the last person I wanted to talk to. Being that Kian was with me, I knew it couldn't be anything important. I watched Kian playing alone from a distance. I've been taking Kian here for years while visiting Roy's father. When he first asked who I was visiting, I had always told him it was a friend, someone I liked talking to. It had become true. Talking to Roy's father had become so helpful over the years.
" help me with your daughter. Help me find a way to her heart again. Help me have a relationship with Roy" I asked him.
I wanted to have a relationship with my daughter. Just the thought of having her in my life had been excited. Having Kian was the best thing to happen in my life so far, so now the possibility of having Roy only made me hopeful that she would make me a better person as well.
" what are you doing here?" I heard a soft voice behind me.
I quickly turned around, only to see Cailin standing behind me. Coming here had been a secret of mine for years. Now she knew. But I didn't respond to her question. I didn't know how to explain to her my motives.
" you're the person who always leaves a sunflower, aren't you?" she asked.
I simply nodded.
Along with visiting him, I would always bring a sunflower. The reason behind the sunflower, was because of its meaning. Sunflowers are happy flowers, a way to bring joy into someone's day. In a way, I hoped that by bring him a sunflower every visit, it would also bring me some clarity and joy.
" thank you" she whispered.
I somehow managed to understand her thank you. She had lived too far away to visit her father as often as she'd like. The thought of having someone visiting him often made her grateful no matter who it was. I understood because I couldn't visit my mother's grave as often as I'd like, but Cheryl was always visiting her for me.
From a distance I could hear Roy's voice. I looked over to see Roy and Kian playing together. My heart sped up a little at the sight.
" does she know?" I asked Cailin as I continued looking at Roy.
" no" she answered.
I wondered if Roy thought I had abandoned her as a father. That was the last thing I wanted her to think. But I knew that I couldn't push Cailin. I couldn't force her into telling Roy the the truth. Other than needing Roy to be ready for it, Cailin needed to be prepared as well. Cailin had been the only parent in Roy's life until now. Now Cailin would have to split her time with Roy in half if she'd let me.
" when?" I asked referring to the time when I'd be able to tell Roy the truth.
" I don't know" she confessed.
I nodded in response hoping the right time was sooner than later. I hoped that I would get to really know my daughter, her quirks and wits. I wanted to see how much she resembled Cailin and I. I wondered if she had a hint of my mother's personality as she did with her looks.
Cailin took a seat next to me on the grass as we looked put watching the kids play with each other. The only noise we could hear was the laughter of the kids. I looked over at Cailin and saw how nervous she was about the future, about Roy's future.
" she looks a lot like Jess, don't you think?" she said as she continued to look at the kids.
" she looks a lot like my mother actually" I admitted.
" really?" Cailin looked over at me with a smile.
" yeah" I nodded smiling back.
For the first time, the memory of my mother didn't pain me. The fact that I saw a big piece of her in Roy was a sign that my mother's soul was doing okay. For the first time I felt peace with her.
" I want you to know that, Roy doesn't hate her father. I told her that the reason she hasn't met him was my choice. I wasn't ready for it" Cailin said.
" I just don't want her to hate me" I admitted.
" she already loves you without even knowing the truth" she said.
" what do you mean?" I asked.
" Roy thinks you're cool and tall. She loves the way you talk in your English accent because that's the way people talked back in England. She loves that you're her godmother's brother. She loves that you're Kian father. She loves the way you talk to her, like she's grown and not a little kid. She already loves you Harry" Cailin smiled.
I cracked a smile and the thought.
" the reality is, it's hard not to love you" Cailin admitted.
Sorry it took so long for me to update. It's been a busy couple of weeks with school and work (yes I take summer classes so I can graduate early)
But here it is.
I hope you all enjoy it!
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