I usually don't place my personal business to such an extreme publicly. However, I feel that my absence from you guys deserves to be explained, especially since it has been months since I updated. So, as hard as this is to admit to wide mass of you guys. I figure you're my fans and you'll support me.
The reason that I haven't been writing lately is due to inner turmoil. A few months ago a male friend that I trusted violated my trust in the worse way. I didn't look at him the way, he viewed me. So, when I invited him over for something as simple as hang out time, I never pictured that it'd turn into a nightmare. I had known him for years. We went to middle school, some of high school, and even college together. I explained to him before hand that I wasn't interested in anything other than watching movies and chilling. I trusted him completely. He promised nothing would happen and I believed him.
So when he brought the liquor, I figured it'd be a good stress reliever. I had been stressing over my job, bills, family troubles, and everything in my life. He knew I was depressed and the point of hanging out was that he was going to soothe my emotions and help me forget about it for a night. Horror movies and other things were planned. I had one shot that I poured myself. And then another shot that he poured for me while I was putting a movie into the DVD player.
For almost five to ten minutes, I sat on one couch and he sat on another couch. We watched TV, joked and laughed. The liquor hit me harder than I expected. I know I'm a lightweight, but it hit me lightening quick. I'd never be drunk or barely able to focus, let alone move from two shots. I'd had 1800 Silver before. Never had it made me pretty defenseless.
I won't go into full details, but as much as I'm in denial...What happened after could be nothing other than rape. A man that I trusted and cared about ignored my protests, my struggles and uses of the firm word, "No." He did what he wanted to do. He got what he wanted. And in the process left me a curling ball of tears at the end of the night. I would have never expected that betrayal from him. Never would have thought he could do something so cruel.
After all, he's in the military and supposedly an upstanding, honorable man.
The pain and trauma that I felt after all that continues until now. I find myself not wanting to be alone with anyone. I find myself distracted, depressed, always near tears inwardly--even if they don't show. I think about that night every day and every night. As great as I am at suppressing my emotions and things I don't want to acknowledge, this is something that haunts my mind back to back.
And leaves me thinking:
How could I have ever been so stupid? How could he invade my privacy? Violate my trust? How could he not care the next day? How could he message me the next day as if he hadn't done anything wrong? How could he ever call himself my friend? How could even months later, he think it is okay for him to casually message me? No apologies, no remorse. Nothing whatsoever. I had never been with anyone before. He took away something that I can never get back.
And it tears me down inside.
Yet, I write this message because despite that, I'm trying to find my inner core again. To find the strength to go back to writing. I'm aware that I can't let this ruin my life or stop me from smething that I've loved for so long. So, regardless of how long it takes, I'm going to continue writing. Everyday, I open Word and stare at the screen. Some days, I can get a few paragraphs out. Others, I can't write anything because in the process of creating a love story, I find a strange bitterness in my heart.
I'll say this with no hesitation or denial without my blaming myself:
Being raped changed me as a person and I'm not sure I'll ever look at anything the same again. So please bare with me as I try to find myself again.
YOU ARE READING
"What are you doing here?" he questioned, his voice a husky of depth. "This is reserved land, tourists aren't allowed here." "W-who are you?" He wasn't the uniform that the Rangers wore, so I knew he wasn't a part of them. He was a random man. If...