We all walk back to camp immediately to get started on Raven's plan. With some of the rocket fuel, she can launch flares into the sky and send a signal to the Ark. I know my mom will be watching. She still has faith in me, even if I don't have faith in her.
As soon as we enter through the gates, I see Finn. Despite last night, I still feel like we're friends and that it would be relieving to talk to him about this.
But before I could walk up to him, Raven shouts, "Finn!" and runs to hug him.
Suddenly, the puzzle pieces click together. Raven is the girl that Finn was with on the Ark. My face falls, but I recover before anyone can notice. I feel my heart sinking as they embrace, then kiss. It was just last night that my lips were on his, not hers. I know I have to move on, but the image of their reunion isn't helping.
When they pull out of their kiss, they hug again and Finn makes eye contact with me. He looks so sorry. I'm not mad at him, I shouldn't be mad at him. This isn't his fault. I give a meek smile and start towards Bellamy.
"Get everyone in groups," I tell him. "We need to get the flares in the sky as soon as possible."
He just nods and starts to announce the situation to everyone. He leaves out the fact that it was him who had trashed the radio, but I'm too set on getting the job done to care. My gaze flickers over to Raven and Finn, but then I look away. I need to get this done. I can't afford to be distracted.
It feels like the whole world was against me. I should be thinking of the three hundred people on the Ark about to die right now, but somehow I can't shake the feeling that what I did has more consequences than more death on my hands.
I think about Clarke. I've never seen her so mad. Usually, she's level-headed, and I've never witnessed her flip out like that. She hasn't been the same to me since. She gives me orders and avoids my gaze unless she's bringing up that this is my fault. I can't stand her being this upset with me.
At least she hadn't been lying about not being with Finn. Raven had lovingly attacked him when we got back to camp, and Clarke didn't seemed too bothered. Maybe a little bothered.
I can see her from my station. She's directing a few people, sending them off to help another station or something. I love the way she looks when she was leading. Determined, inspiring, beautiful.
I stop what I'm doing and walk over to her. I just have to explain.
"Clarke, I need to talk to you," I say as I approach her.
"I don't want to hear it," she replies. "We both have more important things to do."
"I've regretted it this whole time," I tell her desperately. "I've barely been able to sleep. For God's sake, I almost killed the Chancellor. I thought I did kill him, and it's been killing me ever since. But I had to be here. I had to protect Octavia. I know you understand that, Clarke, the need to protect someone," I explain, trying to sound reasonable.
She finally looks up at me, her eyes full of something I can't read. "I do know that, Bellamy, but I don't know the feeling of overwhelming self-preservation to the point of killing three hundred people." She turns away. "Talk to me after they're safe."
I let out a sigh and run my hand through my hair. She's right, of course. All of this is because I'm a selfish monster. Three hundred people. God, I feel sick.
But what I feel didn't matter anymore. Saving those people does.
It feels like I'm against the whole world. I haven't talked to Finn since I found out about Raven, and now I can't look at her the same. I'm really frustrated with Bellamy, and what he did. Everything is a mess.
I have to push through it, though. People expect me to be their leader. My feelings don't matter.
We get the flares in the sky by nightfall. Bellamy stands next to me as they fly through the sky.
"You better hope this works," I whisper to him, before I could help myself.
"Clarke, what do you want me-" he starts.
"Nothing," I say, letting out a sigh. I turn to face him. "I'm taking my anger out on you. It's been a rough day. You may have done this, but you've also apologized and tried to help, so there is nothing else you can do, but live with it."
He pauses. "It's going to be okay, Clarke," he says, putting a hand on my shoulder.
His touch sends sparks through my skin, but I ignore it and just nod. I don't want to tell him that in my head, it does not seem like it's going to be okay, but maybe, I can fake it.
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