copyright 2017 Chris Smith All rights reserved.
"Such is a life
mostly without control
but for ourselves."
I woke up in the middle of the night and the downstairs light was on. Something was wrong. I climbed down to the ladder and walked into the living room.
Dad was sitting in Grandmother's old lawn chair that was pulled up next to Mom's bed. He had gloves on. The tension was coming off him was intense. I was born much too sensitive be their child. Everything came through me and I couldn't stop it or find a barrier strong enough to keep it out. So I felt all of it. And the closer they were to me, emotionally, the more I felt. It was like a gut punch to my heart.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"I'm cleaning up," Dad said.
"Do you need any help?" I asked.
"No. Go back upstairs and go to sleep," Dad said.
"Dad. Why won't you let me help you?"
"There's no sense of us both being tired. Please go back to bed. I'm almost done. And I don't want to argue about it," Dad said.
For all his brilliance he could be so pig-headed sometimes. It drove me insane. I wanted to knock some sense in him. But I was sick myself. I didn't have the energy or the strength for a fight. Not with him. And not tonight.
Me: Mom had 20+ bms between yesterday and thurs early morn. No throw ups. Dad's exhausted. & 1 of my infections got worse. We're talking about setting up a family fund to help support our needs (get a caregiver, housekeeping, etc.).
Bro: Yeah. Wow. That's overwhelming.
Me: We got a dryer today! And Mom seems to be regular.
CARING BRIDGE UPDATE
Days Juicing: 82
Since bringing Mom home from the hospital at the end of Aug, our home has become a care facility, with Dad and I caregivers.
Bringing her home last week from the hospital, she's lost all the weight we'd built up in her with juicing.
The hospital did not resolve the small intestine obstruction (which they do not believe has anything to do with her Lymphoma). So our Chiropractor, has us doing these hot packs and massages on her belly to try and get things moving.
Mom has a viral infection in her liver, gallbladder, stomach, spleen and possibly pancreas.
On Saturday, she started vomiting up, what we believe is bile from the gallbladder. Our Chiropractor saw her on Monday, Dec 3, and said he believes her liver is trying to clean itself, and is throwing out toxins in the bile. After that visit, it took Mom 12 hours to pee. I've never been so happy to hear pee-pee in my life! But still nothing from the bowels since Friday, last week. Though she's mostly been on a liquid diet and may not have anything to release.
She's on a new juice without any greens in it. I had to crush up her pills and empty the powders into her juice, to get them down her because her throat is so messed up from all the vomiting.
We went back to our Chiropractor Friday Dec 7, because despite us doing the massages we haven't been able to get her bowels moving. Her Hospice nurse wanted us to administer all these meds to her, which we did not. We took them to have our Chiropractor test them, and he tested them, and half were testing okay with Mom. But we decided against using them on her, which the Hospice nurse did not understand. We're not going to pump Mom full of meds because we have them or the medical community thinks we should. Instead our Chiropractor upped one of her supplements. Saturday, Dec 8, she had 20+ bowels movements, from 2 wks of being plugged up. She was exhausted yesterday. Obviously Dad and I are exhausted too from clean-up duty.
Our Chiropractor/Family Healer said, Mom's either going to be able to turn this around in a couple weeks, or it's going to go in the other direction, and she's going to die. He told me not to carry the responsibility of Mom's life on my shoulders...because it is not my burden...nor do I have any control what happens. I told him I thought it SUCKED.
Mom has lost weight since she came back from the hospital. She looks pretty bad. The hospital has given her 6 months to live, and because of that, they have brought in Hospice. Though Mom could still make a full recovery.
Hospice is here. Mom's nurse comes up once a week to check on her. Mom has a Hospice Health Assistant who comes twice a week to bath her, etc. We have a Social Worker, acting as a sort of Assistant.
Our Chiropractor said most people never get the chance to come back...that we're giving Mom. He said most people are left in care facilities... I've walked those halls...and the feeling there is HOPELESS. Who would want to live with that around them? So, yeah, we're going fight for Mom, if she wants to fracking live. Because that's who we fracking are. And if she decides not to...I won't stop her...but I ain't gonna be happy about it.
I understand you all want to know what's going on with Mom. While we appreciate your interest, you have to understand, my family, does not want to talk about this anymore than we already have to deal with it all, about death, or that Mom might want to cross over. Dad and I live with it every day, and my brother thinks about it everyday.
If you ask us, how Mom is, or how we're doing, you're going to get the party line: "Good." or 'We're hanging in there."
We do accept hugs, and prayers, positive thoughts. :)
I have talked it over with my Dad and my brother, and we all agree, that we are open to people visiting Mom. However, given Mom's mental and physical condition, we'd limit it to her close friends, and close family. These visits would need to be coordinated with us in advance. We'd prefer, individuals (generally), coming up for short visits....probably under an hour. Obviously, you have to understand, though Mom physically looks bad, her mind is still in there...very much so. And she's very aware of people's "energy" and demeanor with her. We do not want visits to be a somber "death is coming" atmosphere. If you do decide to visit, understand also, that Mom may not be in a good mood, may be in pain, may not know who you are, etc. So you're going to have to roll with it, if you want to see her.
This could all change on a dime, either way, today, tomorrow, next week, a month from now, six months from now, or even a year from now. If Mom does die, it won't be because myself or my Dad, forgot to give her that supplement, or didn't give her that massage. And it won't be because of the cancer, or infection. It will be because MOM CHOOSES to die, because she's simply had enough. I have no idea what the future will bring, and I have NO CONTROL over it either.
Dad and I are both learning to let go control of this. We've had such a tight grip, wrongly thinking we could WILL Mom to live, which we cannot. Frankly, the stress of that responsibility has been slowly eating away at both of us...and if we cannot condition ourselves to let go of it, it will put us in an early grave. Not good.
We're going to set up a fund for Mom and the family's needs this next week. And we've been working on our list of needs. I will pass them along when we finish. Give or don't, entirely up to you.
I hope to finish uploading all my photos on Flickr this week...and hoping I stop sliding downward in my own healing. ;)
Think that's it from here.
Blessings to you and yours,
Juice Day 82
4 leaves collard greens
6 beet leaves
½ cup fresh pineapple
2 leaves napa cabbage
1 tablespoon ginger root
1 ½ stalks of celery
¾ cups of fresh pineapple
YOU ARE READING
A HARD RUN INTO HELL Book 4 (EDITING) is the juice worth the squeeze seriesNon-Fiction
I was standing in Hell, burning. I looked over to see my Dad, standing right next to me. He was burning too. We had brought my Mom home from the hospital and care facility, after being diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and decided not to do chemo, ag...