I was on suicide watch now, Katie had gone home and my mom had told Dr Oliver I had a jagged stick pointed at her saying I know they wanted to kill me. I cant even remember doing that but oh well, Dr Oliver comes in at least twice a day to check on me. My anti-psychotic dosage has been put up they have to check blood and things regularly now because apparently it can make you unwell if you don't check often enough. I sat on my bed reading, trying to distract myself from my own thoughts.
I was encouraged to join the others in groups and such but I refused, I only ever left me room to 'eat' although I didn't really do that very often. I was used to the tasteless slop they gave us now, I ate small amounts I was never very hungry. The rumours are that they were to start taking us on day trips but I had gotten so used to hearing things that were untrue that I ignored them. "Adam are you coming to join the others? They are watching velvet goldmine" my social worker asked. "No" I replied absent mindedly, "why not?" she questioned. "Because I don't want to" I said.
"Adam" she started, "no Natalie" I replied interrupting her. "You haven't left your room in days, it isn't healthy look why don't we take a walk outside and have a chat" she said. I rolled my eyes, "if we must" I commented standing up as everything spun from lack of food. I put my hand on the bed as It slowly stopped, "ok lets get this over with" I commented as I followed her through the hallways. I stepped into the bright sunshine gasping and shielding my eyes, after days of being stuck in a dull room the sun was practically blinding.
The wall surrounding the small back yard was tall with spikes on and barbed wire. "Shall we sit?" she asked gesturing to the chair, I nodded as we sat on the concrete bench under a tree. I breathed in the fresh air much better than that musty hospital, "so adam how are you doing?" she asked. I shrugged, "ok I suppose" I replied. "I know you miss Katie it must be difficult to not have her here" she said. "I don't 'miss' people anymore people always leave you. Either that or they just disappoint you and let you down" I commented.
"That's the longest answer you've given me in a while adam" she said. "Is it? I never really noticed" I replied. "Do you remember pointing that stick at your mother and friends?" she asked. "I don't remember one thing from another anymore, everything is just a blur" I answered. "You don't seem interested in socialising anymore, you just read" she mused. "That's because it's not nice living in my own mind. At least in books I can escape, I'm scared what I'll do if I'm left with my own thoughts. The urge is too strong you don't understand" I answered. "Are you that worried?" She asked. I nodded "it's always there at the back of my mind it's always going to be there no amount of medication can stop that" I replied.
"It must help though" she said, "sometimes but everything I see I think how much damage it could do. It's this place, I was fine before I came here" I explained. "Adam you and I both know that's not true" she told me. "It is, it is true" I said confidently. "Adam please" she said, "no I want to go back to my room" I said standing. I started to walk back to my room Saulis unmistakable voice in my head telling me she was following me. Telling me she was trying to get me that she would hurt me when she did. "Shut up" I hissed trying to ignore him. Still he was in my head no matter how much I ignored him. I realised that I didn't hear voices as often before I came here, before they started to give me all this medication.
It was them it was all them, I needed to get out of here or do something. I went into my room and sat on the bed, Sauli one side of me tommy the other. They were arguing with each other, tommy telling Sauli what he thought of him. "Stop, just stop" I cried covering my ears. They stared at me, the doctor came round to do his checks and then we had dinner which was sausage and mash.
After dinner we were given our medication, the nurse was distracted as I shoved my under the pillow and pretended to swallow them as she turned round. I handed the cup back as she left, I crushed the tablet and sprinkled it into the sink and washed it away with the water. I crossed the room and settled on the bed opening my book as I started to read from where I had finished.
