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17. Reflections

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In some ways she was like an innocent child, her age betraying her lack of experience.  Not in a bad way, no definitely not.  She had the maturity to experiment, but the innocence showed on her face each time we did something she hadn't done before.  It wasn't tiresome like the young women I usually brought home and then sent on their way.  I loved watching her surprised expression before she embraced what we were doing and lost herself in it.

I felt a somewhat misguided sense of pride each time I woke to find her voice raspy from screaming the night before. Feeling a little guilty, I had taken to stocking up on throat lollies, something that embarrassed her at first, then made her extremely grateful.

I had just returned from the airport, the house feeling so much emptier than what it had last week. There was something about her being here that made it feel homely, made it feel warm and welcoming, as if she belonged here.  As if the house needed her, as if I needed her.  Shit!

My fists clenched a little as I thought of the doubts that Sam had put in her head and only hoped that I had dispelled them, mentally noting to contact Sam tomorrow to confirm that there would never be anything between us.

For a few weak moments I allowed myself to imagine a life with Mia in it. Mia's smile, her blushing cheeks, her laugh and the way her eyes shined so brightly, her tiny hands touching me, her amazing body against mine.... I groaned loudly before heading for a cold shower. She was becoming everything I had tried to avoid when I placed the ad for a 'companion.' And for once, the knowledge didn't scare me.

I thought of her tiny frame and how it made me want to throw her over my shoulder and carry her into the bedroom as much as it made me want to protect her.  To keep her safe, to keep her happy, to keep her mine.

Mine? Surprisingly, I found myself smiling. Could I do it? There was no doubt she was already chipping through the hard shell I'd placed around my heart, but could I let her remove it all together. Could I push my vulnerability aside and let her in completely?


It was obvious that he tried to protect his heart, but those few moments we shared over the last few weekends, gave me hope that he was slowly letting me in, even if only a little.

It hadn't been my intention to fall for him, but I knew it was happening. Now I just had to decide if that was a good thing or not. I was also vulnerable and the thought of Jay rejecting me scared me more than I would admit.

I thought of his hands on my body, the way he would cup my breast and everything around us would disappear as his thumb gently caressed my nipple.  He became my sole focus, my sole purpose. It was a scary yet completely intoxicating feeling.

I thought back to our discussion in the kitchen about Sam and how he spoke to me rather than use that tactic to get me to listen, smiling as I understood he wouldn't use my physical attraction to him to coerce me.

I tried to picture the Jay he'd described himself as when he was with Tracy. Her name making me clench my fists and sink my nails into my palms. He'd gone through a bad time, but he'd come out the other end and I wonder if he realised just how strong that had made him.

I felt myself frown as I replayed his words in regards to Sam.

I made it clear from the start that it wasn't going anywhere, it was only sex. There wouldn't be a relationship, I don't believe in them.

She was drunk and asking me for things I wasn't willing to give. Not to her, not to anyone.

His words had hurt, but I appreciated his honesty.  I was confused though, why had he told me about Tracy, when he said he'd never told anyone.  Not the entire truth anyway.  Had he told me everything or had he held something back? 

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