The Gun and the Rose

11 | Panic

My eyes opened slowly and I was looking at an empty wall, a wall I didn't recognize. I sat up, remembering I was at Ales' house. The bed was empty beside me and the sheets were cold, so Ales must have woken up a while ago. The clock across the room read 8 am and through the blinds, sunlight flickered inside. I swung my bare legs off the side of the bed and stood when my stomach swirled uneasily. I covered my mouth with my hand warily but as nausea shot up my belly, I sprinted into the bathroom. I threw the toilet seat up, spewing into the bowl. The bile burned my throat, making my eyes water. I clutched at the edges of the toilet bowl when I heard the bathroom door slam open.

Hands held my long hair back as I finished emptying my insides out painfully. I reached out and flushed it, breathing heavy. Ales gently released my hair as I stood, not meeting his eyes while I rinsed my mouth. I swished some mouthwash in my mouth, spit it out and turned to Ales. My eyes almost bulged out of their sockets. He stood shirtless, glistening in sweat, a towel thrown over his shoulders. His brows were furrowed together, a hand extended as if he was prepared to catch me in case I fell.

"Are you ill?" he asked, coming close to me, brushing my hair behind my ear. I shook my head, turning away from his touch. My voice came out raw and scratchy.

"I'm fine. I must've...-ate something last night," I stammered, backing away from him. His lips overturned but he nodded, not saying anything more. "I should probably head home."

"You should eat something first," he suggested. I shook my head, feeling even more nauseated at the thought of food. I rubbed my stomach. Ales saw the small motion and said, "I'll drive you home at least."

"Thank you," I replied almost inaudibly. He walked out of the bathroom then returned with my dress and stockings from last night in his hands, placing them on the sink top.

"I'll be downstairs." I watched him leave, closing the door behind him. The second he was gone, I spun and stared at myself in the mirror. I was breathing heavily, face flushed like a tomato. Frozen with fear, I allowed my eyes to trail down my body to my stomach. They stayed there for a moment before I tore my gaze away, mentally shaking my head.

I couldn't be- no I'm not stupid... right? I blinked the thoughts away and got dressed, folding Ales' shirt and placing it on his bed before going downstairs. He was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. The last step on the stairs creaked loudly and he jumped to his feet, an easy smile on his face.

"Ready?"

"Yeah." He took out my coat and we headed outside into his car. I stayed silent as he drove, chewing nervously on my bottom lip. "Hey Ales, do you mind if we stop at a pharmacy?"

His eyes flicked to mine.

"Do you need anything?"

I swallowed, clasping my hands together. "I um- need to buy something to help with the nausea," I said quickly. He didn't reply but did as I asked and we pulled into the parking lot of a local pharmacy. He waited inside the car as I hurried inside, pulling my hood over my head. I avoided the gaze of the cashier and all but sprinted through the aisles. I scanned the shelves until I found the condoms and beside that was what I needed. I picked up a box and sighed, my heart in my throat. I gripped the box tightly, my eyes glued on the label.

A pregnancy test.

***

I sat on the edge of the bathtub, staring holes into the stick laying on the countertop. The instructions on the test said to wait three minutes before looking at the results. I mentally counted the seconds, time seemingly slowing down. 177, 178, 179, 180. I got to my feet and lifted the test up, letting out a breath.

Two lines.

No.

No.

I can't be pregnant.

The stick fell from my hands and a cry escaped my lips. I sank to the floor, holding my head in my hands. My whole body was shaking, a million thoughts circling my mind. I couldn't focus on a single thing. How can I be pregnant? I can barely support myself let alone a whole other person?

My head was spinning and my vision blurred with tears. I staggered to my feet, suddenly feeling hot and sweaty all over. I pulled my sweater off with trembling hands until I was in nothing but my bra. But it didn't help.

I made it just outside the bathroom door when my knees buckled, making me fall on all fours. I stared at the floor below me, my vision going dark. I tried to take a deep breath to calm myself but they were growing shallower. Dry gasps were all I could manage, almost no air filling my lungs. I collapsed backward, slamming into the wall behind me, my knees curled up to my chest as I struggled to breathe.

I could do nothing but cry and gasp for breaths that weren't able to get in.

"This is it," the voice in my head whispered, "death. I'm going to die." Faintly, I could hear the jingling of keys then a crash.

"Oh my God, Rose! What happened?" I knew it was Blake but couldn't utter a word to acknowledge her. "Ryan! W-what do I do?" She was shouting. There were footsteps before a hand touched my face.

"Hey Rose, it's me, Ryan," he said soothingly, brushing a strand of my hair away. "Rose, look at me." I ignored his words until he cupped my face with both his hands. "Look at me, Rose." I blinked until my eyes focused on his face. He was kneeling in front of me, his eyes wide but calm.  "You're going to get through this, okay? Everything is going to be okay. You are going to be okay." I was sobbing, tears dripping down my cheeks, ugly cries ripping out of my throat. I held onto his forearms, my nails digging into his flesh. I clutched onto him as if he was the last thing keeping me alive.

I opened my mouth to try and say something but another sob tore through. "You don't have to say anything. Just breathe." I nodded. "Breathe with me, okay?" I took a shaky breath in and released it as he did. "Again." In. Out. Ryan's thumb brushed away a fear tears and he nodded encouragingly. "We're here for you, Rose. We'll help you through this." I moved my gaze to Blake who sat beside Ryan, tears in her eyes. I released Ryan from my death grip and he smoothed his hands over my hair in the same way my mother used to.

I threw myself in his arms, sobbing into the crook of his neck. "Thank you," I cried. I was still shaking from head to toe, my chest heaving. Ryan let me hold onto him for dear life, rubbing his hand down my back to calm me. My crying stopped, but I didn't move, feeling extremely tired. My head pounded and my throat was as dry as the Sahara desert.

"Let's get you to bed," Ryan whispered, picking me up with ease. Ryan was a crazy gym buff so I wasn't surprised by his ability to lift me so effortlessly. He carried me to my bedroom and set me down on my bed, pulling the covers over my half-dressed body. The last thing I saw before I passed out was Ryan hugging Blake, kissing the top of her head.