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Nate Middleton

Address: The Basement, Flat Tyre, Under Milk Wood, El Romo

Mobile Number: 0181 284186 (greedy)


I am a moderately hard working person and generally apply 36.499̇̇̇̇% effort to everything I misapply myself. I am a good team player, especially when I am working on my own. I am self-motivated and always use my initiative, usually when I am told to. I have lots of experience at looking like I am working. I am mostly always sometimes on time for work, particularly if my alarm clock goes off. I am responsible and once gave my pet hamster CPR after forgetting to refill his water bottle for three weeks. I am honest and always admit to having my fingers in the cash register, especially when I am caught doing so. I am dedicated to career progression and hope to one day own the world or, failing that, Croydon.

Education and Qualifications

1980 - 2015 University of Life

BA in quotidian existence with inanity minor

2013 – 2014 Pretty Magazine Collage of Wider and Deeper Education

BBC4 in Underachievement

1997 – 1999 TransformCollage (slackerdemics in disguise)

GNVQ everything, OCN Basket Weaving, General Knowledge

1992 – 1997 SomeSchool (now enforced academy)

D – motivation, B – have, C – D player, F – sharp, U - turn (including English, Maths and Weird Science)

Additional Training

07/2014 Manual Dexterity with focus on Dried Nasal Mucus Retrieval

05/2013 Second Hearing Aid Havewatch (and Belt) Pasta Twirl Collage


01/07/2014 – 02/07/2014 6 Month Stewarding Contract (Arrived Late - terminated)

· Standing in a field

07/2013(Summer vacation) Chief Taster for Well Known Crisp Brand

· Tested potato slices for texture and consistency

· Individually added small blue salt sachets to packets

· Peeled potatoes

06/2013 – 07/2013 (Summer Vacation) Bed Tester – La-Z-boy

· Tested mattresses for concavity and lumbar support

· Tried not to dribble on the pillowcases

· Snored Loudly

01/2013 – Present (Part Time – Sub Zero Contract) The British Association of Acronyms (BAA baa Orange Sheep)

· Differentiating between acronyms and initialisms

· Rejecting initialisms

· TAP – Tabulating Acronyms Properly

09/2012 – 12/2012 Acting Assistant Executive Deputy Manager – A homogenous corporation

· Eradication of the heterogeneous

· Standardisation and atomisation of tasks

· Targeted extrinsic motivation

01/2012 – 07/2012 – Agency Work

· Deployed out of comfort zone on a modicum of notice

· Wages siphoned by umbrella company into offshore banks

10/2011 – 12/2011 Human Resources

· Stripped of identity

· Reframed as a commodity

· Assigned a number

05/2011 – 09/2011 Crossing Attendant

· Wearing luminous clothing

· Holding a sign

· Being abused by pre-teens

09/10 – 05/2011 – Work Experience (it certainly was)

· Simulated job role

· Filled the kettle

· Pushed the envelope

· Refused to clean the toilets

Interests/ Achievements

I like to collect my thoughts and have amassed a grand total of eleven. In my spare time I have been known to run to the bus stop, swim in the bath and play tiddly winks (fifth place in the borough heats). I like going out with my imaginary friend and taking my pet hamster to the vets. I enjoy waiting for my computer to load up and forgetting my passwords.


May Dupp (next door neighbour)

Above the rim

East Saxon

C Hawkes (the one and only)

Not actually in Essex

Borough Deeper

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