transcending // anthony kiedis

34.

Anthony's POV.

Flea rushed us both to the hospital. I was a fucking mess- I hardly remember the car ride over there. I just know that after the ambulance left my house, Flea grabbed a hold of me and forcefully put me in the passenger seat of his car and he sped to the hospital. The doctor's and nurses didn't allow us inside to see Sara. Fuck. I hate that the last image I have of her is her lifeless body positioned on my couch. Her beautiful, pale face. I needed her so much.. I could feel myself begin to fall apart.

I tried to force myself into her room where she was, along with the many doctor's that surrounded her hospital bed but they repeatedly had to tell me I wasn't allowed in the room. I was having such a hard time trying to figure out why this was happening. I loved this girl, and it kills me inside knowing that my reaction caused her to do something like this to herself. I was so fucking stupid. Flea came over to me and forced me to sit down in the waiting room. I held my head in my hands as I heard footsteps coming towards us. It was Chad and Josh. They were worried, too.

"Did anyone think to call Nat? He needs to be here," Josh said.

"I called him. Went straight to voicemail. Hopefully he'll show up soon," Flea reassured us.

"What have they said? Is she okay?" Chad asked with a scared tone in his voice.

"No, nothing. She's been in there for a while now. No updates," Flea said, worried. I could tell he was holding back tears. I knew he was trying to be strong as I fell apart.

"I just can't handle this right now," I said, standing up. "I need to go outside." 

I walked towards the EXIT sign and made my way outside. I hardly ever cried, but I couldn't stop the tears from strolling down my face. For so long I've had so many short-lived and failed relationships with women who I never really connected with. Sure, I had a lot of great physical chemistry with many different women, but there was more to life than that. I craved an emotional connection with someone but I was never able to find that with anyone that I had been with in the past. And then I met Sara. 

I think about our small encounter in the private room at our concert performance from months ago multiple times a day. God she was so gorgeous. Our encounter was purely an accident, but it was such a beautiful one. I remember her tiny baby bump and how nervous she was. I frequently think about how I saved her from hitting the pavement when I saw her scream in pain from across the street. The moment that I remember most with her is when we both cuddled up on my couch together that first night she stayed with me and how perfect everything felt. We had hardly known each other, but somehow we felt connected with each other. I knew that ever since she came into my life that she was going to be someone important. I loved her so much and the thought of knowing how close we are to losing her is destroying me.

"Anthony, are you okay?" I heard Josh say from a distance as he walked towards me.

"Do you think I'm fucking okay?" I yelled back. Fuck. I shouldn't have yelled at him like that.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" I began to reply.

"No, no. It's okay. It was a dumb question. I just didn't want you to be out here by yourself." he said.

I felt him put his hand on my shoulder for comfort. I appreciated it. Josh was never the kind of guy to show emotion or any type of affection.

"Anthony there's something I need to tell you. I don't know if Sara ever did, but it's something you should know. I feel like shit telling you at a time like this but you need to know." he stuttered.

"She didn't tell me anything. What is it?" I put my hands around my neck. I couldn't stop moving. I was fidgeting and walking around in circles. Anything to calm and relax me from having a breakdown. 

"A couple of months ago, back when we were touring in Houston, I found Sara on the streets in downtown after a drug and alcohol binge. She never told me exactly what happened or what caused her to react that way, but I know she was in a state that I had never seen her in before. Damnit, I should've told you sooner. I'm sorry, Anthony." Josh said. I could tell he felt guilty. His eyes began to water.

"Goddamnit Josh. Shit. I wish she would've told me. I had no idea she turned to drugs or alcohol as a way to deal with things. I could've stopped this.." I managed to say as I broke down on my knees into tears. 

I could've fucking prevented this. I didn't know she used drugs as somewhat of a savior. If she would've just told me what had happened in Houston, or if I would've just managed to say something when she told me about her pregnancy, we could be back at home and snuggled up on the couch together with her wrapped in my arms. Maybe that's why I woke up to a missed call from an unknown number that morning, around 5AM? It had to have been her- who else could it have been? I was feeling like such a fucking idiot because there were signs that she wasn't okay and needed me, and I simply ignored them. 

I felt Josh grab a tissue from his pocket and hand it to me. 

"I'm sorry, Anthony. I didn't think it would be anything to worry about because she was fine immediately after, but I should've never made that assumption." I could tell he was beating himself up about this. 

"Don't apologize. This is my fault," I said, crying. "I need to fucking see her right now." 

I stood up and made my way through the doors of the hospital. Flea and Chad stood up, trying to calm me down and stop me from trespassing into the hospital room, just like I had been doing earlier. Just as I came up to them, the doctor's came out of Sara's room and started walking towards us. I was beginning to feel sick. I don't think I could handle any devastating news. I was hoping and praying she was okay. 

I needed her to be okay..