The 5 Stages of the Zombie Virus

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1. Denial

You didn't know it at the time, it wasn't obvious this person had the virus, but they did, and now you've come in contact with them. Maybe it was subtle. Maybe instead of biting you, they scratched you on the arm. This scratch has since started to grow, irritate your skin, cause you a little more pain and discomfort...and even started to change colors. But, you don't think it's a problem. No. It's just a scratch. So, you rub some Neosporin on it and cover it with a Band-Aid. It's gone. Cover up the scratch and it's gone. No more, problem solved. Just stop looking at it, because it's nothing. Don't keep peeling back the end of the Band-Aid to check on it...to see if it grew...to see if it got better....to see if any more of your skin came off with the Band-Aid...just don't do it because it is nothing. It's nothing. No virus here. It's just a scratch.

2. Anger

You rip off the Band-Aids...all of them and all at once. You have kept layering them on and putting them all up and down your arm at this point. The more the better...but nothing seems to be working and it is only frustrating you further. The scratch on your arm has gotten worse, peeling away and spreading all up and down to other areas of your body. Now you are completely infected. Your health got bad...and so did your mind. Why did this have to happen to you? Why did that zombie just come out of nowhere and attack you like that? You weren't doing anything wrong! You were walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden, your life just got ruined. Ruined! You didn't deserve this! Why did this have to happen to you?

3. Bargaining

Okay, okay, you try to calm yourself down a little...or as much as you can as your appetite for flesh grows—while your own starts to deteriorate. There is a way to be cured, and you're going to figure it out. All you have to do is find the right doctor and start treatments right away! You can get better if you just get a doctor. While you're looking for medical treatment, you've got to work on your mind treatment and will power. What if it's all in your head? What if you just keep your head focused? If you don't think about turning into a zombie, then you won't turn into a zombie. If you act normal, then you will be normal. If you just continue to eat all your favorite foods, then you'll forget all about wanting to eat brains.

4. Depression

It's all over. You don't have the guts to fight this anymore because—frankly—you don't have guts anymore. At some point they just fell out of a hole in your stomach along with the rest of your self-esteem. Your face sagged down in a permanent frown and that's all you wear these days. You are done for and there is nothing you can do about it. When you get hungry, which feels like all the time, you have to chew on someone's arm like it's a hot dog. Oh, you're sorry. You're so very sorry. But you have to eat. You have to survive. It's so tragic that you have to spend your "after" life like this and anybody and everybody should feel sorry for you. Look at that poor, pathetic, undead creature slowly wasting away...

5. Acceptance

You float yourself down the streets, both body and mind wandering aimlessly, and you think to yourself: This isn't half bad. You don't have to go to work, you don't have to pay bills, and if people offend you, you can just eat them. What's so bad about that? Sure, you look like something that was left in the fridge for too long and grew fuzz and molded, but at least the worst parts are over. You've lost more weight than you would from a diet or taking pills and can finally fit into your Bermuda shorts. Things are looking to be all right after all, and plus, you never knew munching on brains was so delightfully chewy.

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