Chapter Twenty-One

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So today was the day Cordell and I were going to the doctor to see if I could have babies or not. I didn't know how to feel about all of this. I hoped everything was okay and the doctor would tell me there was nothing to worry about but I knew deep down it was not that easy. What made this so hard was I wanted a family desperately and this could be the very thing that shatters that dream.

Cordell insisted that he would stand by me if things weren't right but what man wants a woman that can't give him children. I loved Cordell but I didn't want him to suffer because I wasn't good enough for him. "You okay?" I turned to see him standing by the door looking at me. "Yea just in my thoughts." I ran my hand through my hair as I finished getting myself together. "Talk to me."

"Nothing much to say besides the fact I will either be able to have kids or I won't."

"It's not that black and white."

"Yes, it is Cordell. Either I can have kids and be mother or I won't be able to and my dreams of being a mother goes down the drain."

"Regardless if you can be a mother or not doesn't matter. If you can then that will be great but if you can't then we will adopt or something but either way you are already a mother." I sighed thinking about what he said. I knew he was talking about Sapphire but a selfish part of me wanted to have my own kid. Don't get me wrong I loved Sapphire but this whole child thing was a big deal to me. "You're right let's go before we are late for our appointment." Just as I was about to walk out he grabbed me by the arm, "No matter what happens baby girl, we can get through anything."

"Okay so tell me why you are here today," the doctor asked sitting down in front of us in his office. "Well, we wanted to know if I could have children because of my past pregnancies and how they ended."

"In that case that will be an easy procedure to perform without a problem. I will need you to give me a pee sample and we will go from there." He handed me a pee cup and off to the bathrooms I went. I soon returned with the sample and he took and left the room. This whole process was stressing me out and I didn't even know the results yet. "Don't worry everything will be fine," Cordell said grabbing my hand and rubbing circles into them. He knew this calmed me down. The doctor returned and I felt like I was about to burst. "Okay the next thing I need you to do is give some blood so we can test that as well." I hated giving blood, hell I hated the sight of blood period. He led us to a room that looked more like a doctor's room where he proceeded to prepare me to give my blood. I closed my eyes as he took my blood waiting to everything was over. The whole while Cordell held my hand letting me know he was there.

"How long will it be until we have the results," Cordell asked getting into his business mode.

"It should be three days and when I have them, I will have my assistant call you and make an appointment."

"Is there anything else we need to do to get a more accurate result?"

"Until we have an idea there is nothing else we can do. Just hang in there until the results are in." with that he left the room leaving us alone. At this point I wanted to run for the hills and never look back. I hated this feeling like I was useless. "I know that look," Cordell said breaking me out of my thoughts. "What look?"

"The look you get when you are in deep thought or when something is bothering you."

"So now you think you know me?"

"I keep telling you, I know everything about you now spill." He sat on the tiny bed with me looking at me to say what's on my mind. "There is nothing to spill."

"Don't lie to me; I know you don't like all of this."

"No, I don't like any of this but I have to go through it in order for us to have children. I need to know or else it will drive me crazy." He soon let the topic go realizing that was all I was going to give him. It wasn't easy telling people my feelings so telling him I was freaking out was not an option for me.

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