Now the night is coming to an end,
The sun will rise and we will try again
It's 10:37pm and Tyler Joseph tells me that I have to get up and face tomorrow. Sadly I know I have to listen to him for everyone else's sake. Great; another fucking tear, slipping off my chin and landing on the bathroom floor.
I feel rotten. Rotten for what I did today. My panic and my fear made me rush out of a blissful moment in time.
"Moron." I spit at myself, under a heavy sob.
Stay alive, stay alive for me,
You will die but now your life is free,
Take pride in what is sure to die.
Another pitiful tear flows off my pale skin. I hate myself. And I hate everything I've done to upset him. He was crying on the phone, at least he had been. Charlie has this method where he talks in a monotonous and flat voice to try and seem like he isn't crying his eyes out. You pick up on those things the more you fall head over heels for someone.
I will fear the night again,
I hope I'm not my only friend
Charlie seems stuck in my head at this point, and I'm comfortably numb with the feeling of obsession. However, sat against the door in my bathroom, the loneliness is overwhelming. Moreover, my head seems to be heavy with the will for sleep. But I'm not tired. Charlie's keeping me awake. My self loathing is keeping me awake and the fact that I'm fucking crying is keeping me up.
Stay alive, Tyler sings, stay alive for me.
It seems like the most impossible task after what happened today. I plead for the chance to play God for just 10 minutes, and go back, back to when Charlie looked through me and into my heart and said my name and lay on the grass with leaves in our hair and
"Beth? Are you having a bath love?" My mum calls from behind the door. I hold my breath and speak clearly.
"Yeah." I swallow back tears. Mum walks away and I'm left drowning in my own feelings. God I fucking hate this.
If only Charlie could put his arms around me like he does.