F O U R T E E N

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Today was the day that my mom passed away six years ago.

I curl myself into a ball in the corner of Collin's room because I didn't want to wake him.

Tears fall down my cheeks and I quickly wipe them away.

I shouldn't be able to live a good life when she's lifeless in the graveyard.

She was supposed to be right here with me.

"Hope."

Colin muttered and slowly gets up to stretch. He turns looking for me in the room went and I wipe my face again.

"Hey."

I say and he's head snaps towards me.

I'm about to get up and walk to him but he throws off his comforter and jumps off the bed, coming over to me.

He pulls the strands of my hair that are in my face back and lifts my face to his.

"Babe, what's wrong? Don't tell me that your okay or nothing."

I nodded and explained, "My mom passed away on this day, six years ago."

His eyes widen and his arms wrapped around my legs that were still folded to me.

"I wish I got the chance to meet her. Tell her about her amazing daughter. What was she like, if you don't mind."

I smile as I thought about all the crazy things we did together.

There were so many ways to describe her. I could spend the whole day talking about her.

I use to spend the whole day talking to her...

I grab Colin's hand and lead him down the stairs.

"Um, Hope where are we going?"

I didn't answer his question and waved to his family in the kitchen who was watching me drag their family member in his boxers outside.

I took my car keys on the way out and waited for him to slip on his flip flops.

We drove to the main source of my mother's existence.

Our old house.

After Lizzie went with me to get my stuff, I never came back. I use part my dad's and mine money to pay for all the bills.

"Hope are you sure you wanna go in there?"

I nod my head and he squeezes my hand for support and I open the door.

The smell hits me first.

Like cheap beer and dirty dishes.

Everything is exactly where I left it and I go to my bedroom with Colin following behind me.

We walk over to my bookcase and I pulled it out from the shelf.

Our family album.

The silver letters wrote out.

I dust the cover off even though it didn't have much dirt on it and sat down against the bookcase holding the book in my lap.

Colin took a seat with me and we both look at the book for a good few moments.

He rubs circles on my back and I took a deep breath opening the first page.

He looked very closely at all the photos of baby me, my mom and dad.

Us at Disneyland, me taking my first steps, dad trying to learn how to cook with me and so on.

"She seemed like a wonderful lady and your dad looks so happy. Love actually. You can see the love for both of you in his eyes in these pictures. You look beautiful just like her, though."

I tried my best smiling but it was kind of hard thinking about all of this together.

That our lives were going so great and then one day everything just changes.

Your whole world comes crashing down and wonders if anyone will help you to bring it back up.

"I was mad at her that day. I was fucking mad at her. She told me that she would come to my performance with me. Last minute she said she had to do an important errand and then she would be there. I was the next person up and she had to do some errand. It wasn't a regular performance either. It was the one that decided if I could attend one of the most famous dance schools and if some of them really liked you, you could get a good scholarship. She has some errand. They called my name and I look out and didn't see her. I was so sad. She said she wouldn't miss it for the world. To see her little girl do great things with her life. I was so happy that she had felt that way. Dad would of came too but with his new job, I understood how busy he was. I was halfway through when I went for the high jump and fell down. They cut off the music and told me that I was done. I rode the bus home to see cops cars on our lawn. I was so confused and I keep calling mom. I...I went inside and dad was shouting. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU DID THIS! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW! He never came out of his room for two weeks when we had her funeral."

I broke down in tears.

And Colin wrapped his arms around me rocking me back and forth like a little baby but it calms me down somehow.

"I wish I could if been there for you. I really do love, I really do."

His words made me feel better even though I knew that there was no way for us to time travel and go back.

I use wishbones for that to happen but of course it didn't work out.

It feels like someone got all of me, became really comfy and when they felt like it, just ripped out a piece of me.

A piece that I will never get back.

"Thank you for listening Colin. I have kept that all bottled up inside me for all these years and no one has ever really cared what I thought or what I had to day but you come and show me so much kindness and make me feel beautiful. I've never felt that way."

He kisses my forehand and I fall asleep right there in his arms.

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