As I stepped onto the plane, I didn't look back. I knew there was a whole lot I was leaving behind—Kimberly, my family who I was on slightly better terms with. And Charlie. I knew I was risking losing everything, especially him, and he might have just been perfect for me.
In fact, I was pretty convinced that he was.
But the timing was so, so wrong, and there was nothing I could do to change that.
Right now, I needed to get my head sorted out. I needed to work out where I was, who I was. I needed to 'find myself'—whatever that meant. I didn't know who I was if not the 'dying girl' and I needed to figure that out or I would be stuck in a rut forever. Being here, among all the mistakes I'd made, just wasn't the place to do that.
I'd travelled before, but that was all about seeing all that I wanted to see before it was too late. This was going to be about taking time, really looking, really enjoying myself. If it took a month to do that, great! If it took three years and everyone else had forgotten about me, then I guess that would mean another clean slate to start again. I'd completely wrecked the first clean slate I had; maybe I would do better the second time around.
I sat in my seat, trying to keep my breathing steady. I didn't want the poor sucker that had to sit next to me to think I was a nervous flyer. This wasn't about that, this was excitement to escape. I'd surrounded myself in toxicity; I'd pushed away everyone that I cared about, screwed up all my positive, happy relationships. I'd been on a slippery slope ever since I found out that I was going to live, and since that was a fact that I couldn't change, it was time to do something about it.
I allowed all the memories off the mistakes I made to flick through my mind. After all, part of the healing process was going to be about accepting what I did, and where I went wrong. Owning my mistakes. I couldn't even begin to move on until I'd done that. If my therapy group had taught me one thing, it was that. But I wouldn't get stuck on all of my issues, I'd just accept them as a part of my past—in the way that Devon did. I would do all of that, then I would move on.
The engine rumbled beneath me. We were moving, finally.
'Thank you, Kimberly.' I muttered under my breath. She was the only one who'd stuck by me through thick and thin, who'd pushed me to do better, to move on, to take a chance. If it hadn't been for her, then I wouldn't have made it this far. I'd still be in a dive bar somewhere, looking for the next loser to show me some attention. She always told me that I was better than that, and maybe it was time for me to start listening to her. There were a million times when she could have blown me off, since she owned me nothing, but she hadn't, and I was sure even this break wouldn't be enough to wreck our solid friendship.
The familiar nausea rushed through me as we rose, but it felt really positive. This time as I went up, it wasn't because it was my last few months alive. It was because I had a life, one that I needed to take into my own hands.
I couldn't wait to discover more of me. I really felt like I was using my mum and Carter's money wisely with this trip—not that she had completely agreed with me. I felt like I would come out of it with a better idea of what to do next. I intended to return with a dream to work towards, but even if that didn't happen I knew I'd be better off for it.
"Where are you going?" The friendly-looking elderly woman sat next to me asked.
"Italy, to start with." I smiled back, eager to get there now, to see what Rome and Venice had to offer me. I'd been looking at pictures online, and it looked amazing. I couldn't wait to see it all in real life. The coliseum, the canals...it all looked so beautiful and I couldn't wait for it to inspire me.
"Ah." She grinned. "A finding yourself trip!" She laughed at her little joke and I couldn't help but join in.
"Something like that." I replied, before turning back to stare out of the window.
Exactly like that.
YOU ARE READING
Living on Borrowed TimeChickLit
This isn't your ordinary love story... Lara Rogers isn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to die over a year ago from a long-term illness, yet somehow she managed to make a miracle recovery. The only problem is now she has an endless future str...