Conquest

The Lone Wolf

Downtown Los Angeles dazzles and gleams from the rooftop bar at Perch. The buildings stand like Tetris towers with their scattered weekend lights as the women sip Lolitas from plush white couches in the sky.

"Yeah, so it's official," Brie is saying. "Vaginas are more trouble than penises."

Bernadette, Peyton, and Gretchen are weeping with laughter.

"Which leaves me no good option."

"How about a sex robot?" Gretchen suggests.

Brie raises her eyebrows. "Do they have those?"

"Of course. The Japanese with their kink and electronics?"

Peyton whips out her phone and gets on it. "Let's see, there's an article on StudyWeb.com called 35 Coolest Robots To Have Sex With Today. Warning, NSFW." She loads the page. "AutoBlow2, billed as the 'crowdfunded blowjob machine everybody is talking about.'"

"That won't work," Brie says. "I don't have a penis."

Gretchen sighs. "Wish I did."

"Then there's the Vibrating Knob Gobbler or the Cobra Libre male vibrator."

"Wait, how does a man use a vibrator?"

Peyton squints. "Unclear. I'll text Wade, he'll know."

Bernadette laughs. "That's right, ask the young'un."

Peyton goes to text her boy-toy, but stops cold. "Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa, holy shit."

The women all leap up to see Peyton's phone. It's a picture of a penis.

Brie inspects it from all angles. "I thought you said he shaves."

Peyton takes a sip of her drink. "No, Bruce just sent this." Bruce is Peyton's husband. "Oh my God, you guys. He doesn't do this. This can't possibly be for me."

A new text comes in. Now suck it.

The women gasp. "Oh my God," Peyton says. "You know how you're in a text conversation and then a new text comes in, and you reply to the old conversation but it sends to the new one? That just happened. I just texted him to remind him to feed the dog. He's having an affair."

Another text dings. My phone just got hacked. People are telling me I'm sending them dick pics. Did you get one?

Peyton draws a little breath. "Look, he just realized his mistake and now he's trying to cover it up."

The women huddle around the screen, their faces aglow in a brilliant blue light. Bernadette says, "What're you gonna say?"

Peyton types back: Weird. Yeah, I did. Did they send it to your clients? That'd be bad, Bruce. You should get out in front of it. This happened to a friend of mine.

"You sneak!" Bernadette squeals.

Peyton writes: Do you need me to call or are you okay? "Dickhead," she says. "Think I don't recognize it?"

Gretchen puffs a stream of air through her lips. "Men are such idiots."

"You know what?" Peyton says, narrowing her eyes. "He asked me to buy him new underwear the other day, but I was so busy chairing the kids' art festival at school that I missed the sign."

"Wait," Brie says. "Your husband needing new underwear is a sign that he's cheating?"

Gretchen laughs. "Well I'm safe. You should see the rags Greg wears around. He's got boxers that pre-date our marriage."