Wouldn't Leave You (A Captain America Fan fiction)

Never Enough

Chapter 38 - Rachel Stark

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. The air leaves my lungs in record speed as I slump back into the bed. 

Sharon chuckles. "Don't be overdramatic, Steve. We're just very good friends. I helped Steve move to New York and I got a job at the CIA base here." She flashes me a small, friendly smile but I see nothing friendly in it. My blood stills, my eyes glazing over again. I feel my chest heave, sucking in air. I must've stopped breathing. My eyes drop to my hands. 

Someone says something but I don't hear it, white noise clouding my hearing. The two of them must've left because when I look up, no one is in my room. I sigh shakily, wringing my hands together in frustration. 

Eventually, there is a second knock on my door. I look up slowly, seeing fiery red hair peek around the door. "Are you alright?"

"No."

She rushes in, causing me to wince again at the speed. She slows down and carefully pulls a chair up to my bed. She gently takes my hand, running her thumb over the back of it. She takes a quick scan of my body. "Where's your IV?"

I suck in a large breath. "Please don't put it back in." My voice sounds so small and unfamiliar to my ears that I am unsure if I am even the one speaking. 

"I'm here." She smooths my hair back with her free hand, her eyes searching my face for any answers to her unasked questions. 

"What happened?" The tears prick at my eyes again. Her brow scrunches. 

Her eyes are locked on my face. "You'll tell us when the time is right, I promise." 

"I just... I lost everything." She stands slowly, allowing me to have time to react as she pulls me into a side hug. I wrap my hands around her forearms and cry into her chest, letting the sobs wrack against my body. 

I cry for what seems like years, letting every feeling run out of my body with each tear. I don't need to look up to Natasha to know that she is crying as well. 

"I was going to tell him," I mumbled once the sobs ceased attacking my body. Natasha doesn't move from her position, still holding me. "I was going to..." 

She cuts me short, shushing me gently. "I know, my love, I know." 

"He was my lifeline." 

"I know." 

We stay that way for another long pause. She just holds me as I stare off into the distance. Natasha knows how this goes, she's been in my position before. It is strange how the roles are reversed. Usually, I am the one comforting her after a poor mission. 

"I wasn't enough for him." The words tumble from my mouth before I can stop them. My breath wobbles as Natasha finally pulls back and sits back in her chair. She looks at me for a long moment.

"We can't worry about that right now. All that matters is that you are here, in front of me, and alive." 

"I-"

"Don't," she breathes. "You need to focus on recovery right now. Letting yourself fall to pieces allows for them to win. They didn't break you. You are stronger than them, Rachel."

I nod. "Tony?" I run through my mental checklist of all of the questions I was going to ask my friends if I ever made it out of there. 

"He's better now. There wasn't as much drinking this time, just more tinkering." The corners of her mouth twitch upwards, a small smile threatening. "You've got to stop skipping out on us like this." 

I offer a dry laugh, the humor not reaching my eyes. "Not like I had much of a choice this time." Her smile fades. 

"I know." 

"I don't want to go into too much detail, but just know that what Steve is doing, isn't that deep." Her eyes flicker with something that I don't recognize. "He never gave up on you, I don't think you should give up on him, either." 

I shake my head. "I never did."

"Well, don't stop now." 

Another knock at the door breaks our attention away from each other as we both look at the door. Tony's eyes peer into the room, causing my eyes to soften and a small break to break across my lips. 

Natasha stands slowly. "I'll give you guys a minute." She smiles at me over her shoulder as she leaves. Tony holds the door open for her and then closes it as she exits. 

"You know, I'm really tired of seeing you like this." A faint expression of relief dances across his face. He takes Natasha's place in the chair next to my bed, never taking his eyes off of my face. "I can't believe you're really here." 

"I can't believe it either." 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tony fussed over my injuries and about my tears. I waved him off, told him I was fine. 

But I wasn't. 

He saw straight through my lies and stayed with me for the next few days. We didn't say much, letting the comfortable silence accompany us. He brought me a bunch of old S.H.I.E.L.D. files and any of the new blueprints that he had drawn up over the past few months. 

I buried myself in research for my hospital stay. I caught up on the news, trying to do anything that would keep my mind off of Steve and the strange relationship/nonrelationship that he and Sharon are involved in. I stayed in the hospital room for four weeks, trying to heal. I ate as much as I could, trying to gain some body mass back. 

Steve didn't come around much. I don't know how I feel about it. A lot of the time, I was trying not to think of him, but trying not to think of him made me think of him more. 

Clint helped me out a lot with my rehabilitation. I relied on him to help me since Steve didn't show his face. I broke down often, usually sending a blue wave of power out in my emotional distress. I ended up telling him everything. Everything I could remember, everything I could physically let him know. It wasn't everything. Some things I couldn't tell him, the horrors so fresh and stunning that I... just couldn't. 

Nightmares plagued my nights, unable to get a true full night's sleep. New horrors came to me at night, yanking me from my sleep in a cold sweat. Tony sometimes would be there, other times he wouldn't. 

I am not sure I can make it out of this. I feel so beat down, so broken.