I didn't want this!

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I no more recall the lights going out,
the numbing pain, the palpitating brain.
Just the ache of the yearning deep inside,
those myriad thoughts that have been expired
and lips that appear no longer required.

If only I’d told them I didn’t want this. 

I still recall the fear on the faces,
of those most beloved, the horror, anguish,
uncertain decisions, hopeless defeat.
The weary medics trying their utmost.
Why didn’t they know, I didn’t want this...

If only I’d told them I didn’t want this. 

I had always foreseen a peaceful end,
with my dear ones near, surrounding the bed.
Not the sharp needles and the anguished cry,
the panic and the crash team standing by,
the white glaring light and anodyne smell.

If only I’d told them I didn’t want this.

Happy at home with my loving wife,
my cat, the telly and my mundane life.
Now I live on in a sort of half life
my big toe wiggles and my left eye winks,
but only tears do I see when I blink.

If only I’d told them I didn’t want this. 

I’m very touched when the girls hold my hand
but their faces reflect worry and fear.
This they’ll remember, the fun times they won’t,
the skating, the flicks, the ice cream and cakes.
They try to look jolly with smiles wide drawn.

If only I’d told them I didn’t want this. 

I’d smile if I could for their sake alone,
but inside I weep for all that’s amiss.
How can you smile with one toe and one eye
and a bleeping machine that keeps you alive?

If only I’d told them I didn’t want this. 

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