Just Another Jane

I can tell a thing or two about love. No, let me rephrase that. I can tell you a lot about love. I have been in love a few times now, and they all have two things in common: they were all hidden and they were unrequited. Isa lang ang kinahahantungan ng mga love story ko. Hindi sila nagtatapos nang masaya.

Hindi ko alam kung sumpa na ba sa akin iyon. Palagi akong umaasa na may magandang kahahantungan ang buhay pag-ibig ko, pero ang malas ko lang siguro talaga. Hindi na nga nagsimula sa 'once upon a time', hindi pa nagtapos sa happy ending.

Ako iyong taong tinatawag nilang hopeless romantic. Ako 'yong naniniwala sa one great love, serendipity, true love's kiss, love at first sight—Yes, I know. I'm pathetic. Ako 'yung tao na gustong-gustong magmahal at maranasang mahalin pero takot sumugal at masaktan.

That one sweet love that Sara Bareilles had been singing about? Naranasan ko na yan. Once. And I don't think I will have the privilege to experience it again. One sweet love lang nga, di ba? Parang bulalakaw lang. It falls and then it's there no more.

Parang s'ya. I had my one shot at my one great love pero iniwasan ko dahil takot ako. At hanggang ngayon pinagsisisihan ko pa rin 'yon. Pero ano nga naman ang magagawa ko? Wala na, e. Pag-aari na s'ya ng iba.

Minsan may mga bagay talagang hindi para sa atin. Ipapakita lang sa 'yo. Hahayaan ka lang mangarap pero hinding-hindi mo naman makukuha. May mga tao rin na darating sa buhay mo para lang maranasan mo kung gaano ka kasaya kapag nandyan sila, tapos saka sila kukunin sa 'yo.

There are those who just happen to cross our paths. It does not mean that they would stay. For all we know, they just came by to steal our hearts away without intending to give theirs in return. In short, dumaan lang sila para masaktan tayo. Hindi man nila sinadya, nasaktan pa rin tayo.

It was almost four years ago when I've experienced that. It was the time when I thought that life was actually perfect. It was then that I had allowed my heart to feel this stupid feeling they call love.

Nagsimula ang lahat dahil sa pagkahumaling ko sa isa kong kaklase. Gwapo s'ya, maingay and he seemed to get all the attention. I could name a few of my classmates who also had a crush on him. Okay na sana, e. Crush lang naman. Pero s'yempre, sino ba naman ako para matapunan man lang nya ng tingin?

Of course, he didn't like me back. May gusto s'yang iba. 'Yong kaklase kong maganda at palaging nakangiti. Masisisi ko ba s'ya kung doon s'ya nahulog? Sabi ko sa sarili ko, kailangan ko na yatang humanap ng diversion. Para lang hindi masyadong masakit kung maging sila nung crush ko at nung girl na crush nya.

Now that I think back about it, 'yon lang ang panahon na naghanap ako ng diversion. Akalain mo nga naman... nalihis ng tuluyan ang pagtingin ko sa kanya. Naghanap ako noon among my guy classmates kung sino ang passable enough para maging diversion.

And then my eyes landed on his. Yes, I met his gaze. Nagkatinginan kami. At that very moment, I caught him looking at me. I shrugged it off dahil wala akong gusto sa kanya kahit pa halos kalahati ng klase namin ang may gusto sa kanya.

Naalala ko nga noong unang araw ng klase namin, s'ya 'yong pinakang-inintriga. May umamin pa nga sa kanya, on the first day, na crush sya nito, e. Pero 'yon nga, wala syang appeal sa 'kin. Well, until that day, that is.

Since then, I started to steal glances at him. Panakaw na tingin lang and I made sure na hindi n'ya ako mahuhuli. Nahihiya ako sa sarili ko kapag nahuhuli akong nakatingin sa kahit na sinong lalaki. Feeling ko kase, feeling nila na may crush ako sa kanila... kahit wala.

He piqued my interest. He was mysterious. He was quiet. He was different. Pero magbabakasyon na noon. Naisip ko na siguro mawawala rin 'yon agad.

Summer came. And then, the next school year...