CHAPTER 46 Back To The Hospital

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copyright 2017 Chris Smith  All rights reserved.

"From this moment

to the next

it is my breath

that holds me to the earth."


I woke up to a quiet house. Everything was wrong. I wanted to throw up but my tum-tummers was hungry. But I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to breathe because it hurt too much to be alive.

Mom was gone...again.

I went downstairs to start the juicing like I did every morning. It was more out of habit than anything else. But today we wouldn't be making juice for Mom. It would be the first morning in 68 days since we started juicing that she wouldn't be here for it.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling and I was too tired to try. We'd come such a long way. To have her back in the Hospital was a failure. God might as well have punched the wind right out of me.

Me to Dad: Need photos of Mom...when you get a chance. & tell the hospital NO GRAINS, no ensure, no dessert, FOR MOM. She's on sort of a paleo/vegan diet.LOTS OF VEGES, some protein/legumes, little fruit.

Dad: Mom has been moved upstairs out of ICU.

It felt like two steps forward and ten steps back.

How could we could be going backwards?

What had we done wrong?

The Doc was on vacation for Thanksgiving. If he hadn't been we could have taken Mom in to his office to find out what was going on. But Mom was in pain and Dad couldn't let her sit in pain and not do anything.

We didn't know what was going on. We were living on a wing and prayer, trying to pull Mom back from the edge. We were shooting in the dark. Or that's how it felt. The ground was shifting and it was anyone's guess if we'd all cave in with it when it finally went.

Mom had never experienced this type of pain. This was new and new could be a bad sign.

We had no idea what was causing the pain. It could be something serious, like life and death stuff. Like the cancer is taking her over completely. Like maybe Death isn't on its way. Maybe Death is already here.

I'd have to update everyone again. They'd have questions and my phone would start blinking notifications all over again. I couldn't take being on call for all those people again. I couldn't do it.

By the end of the day, I had broken down seven times. My eyes were tired. My entire soul was tired.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and shut the world off. But I was too worried about Mom. My whole life revolved around that fucking woman now. My reason for being was Mom. I both hated myself for it and didn't know how else to be or what else to do.

I was trying to heal my body back to balance. But the stress of the burden Dad and I were carrying wasn't helping. I was bleeding emotions all over everything.

How can anything get better if she's back in the hospital?

They'll pump her full of meds again and ruin every step of progress we've made.

Damn them all.

Damn the whole thing.

Juice Day 69

1 tablespoon ginger root

2 apples

5 carrots

4 leaves collard greens

½ cup dandelion greens

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