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Pen Your Pride

Hey everybody, how's it going? Well, I'm so happy. I had my birthday yesterday. I'm finally eighteen. Yay!!! So, here's a new chapter for you all.

Important : This chapter will have both Ryder's and Tamara's POV. However, Tamara's POV will be towards the end. So, please look out for that.

Song above is  Down So Low by Hunter Parrish. Man, his voice is like hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows. So lovely.

I've been down so low,
I thought it would be easy on my own.
I'm so cold, standing on your corner, waiting here.
So alone, to hear your voice telling me you're gone,
You're telling me you're gone.

- Down So Low by Hunter Parrish.

The song portrays Ryder's feelings beautifully.

Here's the chapter. Enjoy.

Ryder's POV :

I was feeling like an asshole.

Scratch that, I was a major asshole.

I couldn't believe what I had done to Tamara. I knew that she would be feeling like I was just using her for satisfying my needs.

But that wasn't true. I had missed her. I had missed her touch, her skin against mine, her soft kisses, her smile, every fucking thing about her.

Yet, I knew that my behavior yesterday was inexcusable. I knew that she would never forgive me for what I had done.

I just couldn't resist the feeling, couldn't control my urge for holding her against me. Seeing her yesterday after so many days, I just came undone. She looked so beautiful, so perfect, so mine. But now, I guess I had lost the chance to call her mine.

I sighed and buried my face in my hands. Frustratingly, I pulled on my hair.

Suddenly, I remembered the time when I had pulled on my hair once and Tamara had asked me not to do it. She loved my hair.

In spite of my shitty mood, thinking about how Tamara loved even the littlest of things about me, brought a smile to my face.

And that added to the already huge pile of my guilt. The events from yesterday night came flooding back to me and my smile disappeared.

Knowing how much she cared for me, how much she liked me, made me feel more shitty by the minute.

She had given into me so easily yesterday. I realized that she did it because she cared for me, not because she was desperate for me or anything.
Heck, Tamara could get anybody she wanted. She could get someone way better than me. And she deserved someone way better than me. But, she chose me, chose to help me, chose to care for me, chose to... Maybe love me.
Could she even think about loving me? The answer was crystal clear - NO. Even I was disgusted by my actions from last night. So, Tamara had every right to be pissed at me and to reject me.

God, I still remember her beautiful pained face from last night. When I kissed her and realized what I had done, I just left her there. She looked so broken, so sad, so disappointed in me.

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