Chances That You're Burning Through

Original | Chapter One

Everyday I think of reasons why my birth parents wouldn't have wanted me. Maybe they assumed that I'd grow up to be a mentally fucked up person. Maybe they knew that I'd be such a disappointment. Did they just assume that I'd amount to nothing more than a self harming screw-up with an eating disorder? Emitting a heavy sigh, I snap the silicone bracelet that I'm wearing. The stinging pain momentarily pauses my troubles and worries. I snap the bracelet when I can't cut or purge. It's a form of release. Today is adoption day. I hate adoption days because I'm fourteen, and nobody wants to adopt a teenager. Regardless, I still make myself look somewhat presentable. I take a quick shower, resisting the urge to self-harm. I always force myself to not purge or self-harm on adoption days, just in case a miracle happens, and somebody wants to adopt me. I change into a white graphic tee-shirt that has lips on the front, ripped blue jeans, and a black, leather, studded jacket. I lace up my black combat boots and accessorize the outfit with a black skull scarf, black spiked cuff earrings, a  skull ring, and a cuff bangle that has large reflective spikes on it. I slightly curl my dark brown hair, add some makeup, and look at myself in the mirror.

You think you're pretty, don't you? Well, you're not; you're not even close.

I stiffen as one of my roommates enters the room.

"That's what your wearing?" She questions with a snort and an arched eyebrow.

I start to doubt my outfit of choice.

"You'll never get adopted looking like some wanna-be bad-ass," She states with an eye roll. "Why don't you show up with blood on your wrists? Better they know now that you're an emo freak than later. Or maybe you can show up eating a Twinkie  or something? That way they know that you'll do nothing but eat all of their food like the fat pig that you are. Now, if you'll excuse me," She concludes, shoving me out of the way and entering the bathroom.

I feel a tear trail down my cheek, followed quickly by another. I inhale a shaky breath and rise to my feet, wiping away the tears before more can fall. I go to snap the bracelet on my wrist when I notice that I removed it. I grab a rubber band from my nightstand and slide it onto my wrist. I exit the room while snapping the rubber band, mentally preparing myself for the disappointment that is soon to come.

Five couples have already walked through, as well as two single people. Nobody has even gave me a second glance. I sit with my face pressed against the window, enjoying the feel of the cool glass on my skin. I want to curl up in a ball and sob. Nobody wants me. Nobody will ever want me. Hell, even my own birth parents didn't want me. I soon find my self imagining what my parents are like, if they're even alive today. Part of me wants to imagine my parents as successful, drop dead stunning people without a care in the world. The other part of me imagines the worst: drug addicts, felons, people barely able to care for themselves let alone a child. Maybe they have other kids, ones who they knew wouldn't be so unstable? Maybe they aren't even together anymore, or maybe I was the result of a drunken one night stand? A woman enters my peripheral vision. I tell myself that she's just passing through. I close my eyes, trying to dream up a world where I'm wanted. My eyes snap open when the woman sits across from me. She looks familiar, but I can't tell who she is behind the huge sunglasses and hat.

"If I take this ridiculous hat and sunglasses off, will you promise not to draw much attention?" She questions.

I know that voice. I must have fell asleep and dreamed up one hell of a good world. I nod in response to her question. She removes the hat and sunglasses. My jaw practically brushes the floor.

"Holy shit, you're Demi Lovato," I whisper scream.

She smirks at me.

"Really? I had no idea," She sarcastically jokes. "Now, close your mouth before you catch flies."