Sorting Poems Of A Pessimistic Optimist

Untitled

I fuck up too much

I get caught up in how suddenly everything seems to be okay

I have a best friend

I have a member of my family I can actually trust and who actually cares

And I have a boyfriend

I go from trying at a strength many would say is too hard

To barely even caring

Which results in the previously mentioned fuck up

I skip the blaming of others that most people jump to

I can never point blame on anyone other than myself

I fucked up

I hated myself

I get caught up in making everything perfect again

I just fucked up

I hate myself

I still can't make things perfect

Maybe I shouldn't even try

I'll just keep living until those three things die to two

Then to one

And then to none

Because I'll just keep fucking up

I try to fucking hard

And then I do one thing that has the ability to ruin everything

And eventually not even my OCD will give me enough motivation to make things perfect again

Why would it even matter

Saying the people who matter to me would miss me would be a joke

Or maybe I just wouldn't miss myself

I hate to see any living being hurt but somehow I just end up hurting everyone

So, yeah I just fucked

I currently hate myself

But what does it matter

Even if someone cares

I don't know how much of me can keep caring

Because I in the end I just fuck up

I doubt the person I treated horribly will even read this

My passive aggressive attempt to fix my life won't work

And will just give me another reason to hate myself

And another way I fucked up