Remember the times where you made a promise and how good it felt when you fulfilled that promise. I remember making a promise. I remember not keeping it. I remember it to this very day. I'm still not keeping the promise. I promised I wouldn't do anything to myself. I promised I wouldn't hurt myself. I broke the promise. I hurt myself. Sometimes worse than other times. It's not okay. I know it isn't, but I can't stop. I can't talk to anyone about it. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I can't talk to anyone about it. They'll know I broke the promise. I can't have them find out.
Back in the days towards the point I had to make the promise I had been very sad. Like depression sad. I remember being scooped up in my room a lot. Those days really were the worst. I wasn't in the right state of mind. I skipped a lot of meals. I skipped a lot of hangouts. Everyone noticed. Not only the three boys I live with, but also other guys and girls. Mostly YouTubers. Sam and Trevor, English YouTubers, the Australian Troye, a lot of American YouTubers. I had been acting off during the event called Vidcon. It couldn't have been more obvious. I tried not to be like that, but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself up for anything. I was lucky I could when I had to be on stage or around fans. It meant that they never noticed anything, though I couldn't have had more "Are you okay?" questions shot towards me by like, everyone.
The worst part was that I lived with those three boys. I couldn't live at home, because my mom and dad would've send me straight into a mental facility. When I came out of my room, which wasn't often, the others got quiet. I had these feelings that they were talking about me. Every time I entered a room it would silence up and everyone's eyes were fixed on me and my every move. They made me go insane even more. I felt like I wasn't loved anymore. I hated that feeling. I know those guys love me, but it felt so weird being around them. Them being called Kian, Jc and Ricky. Yes. My name is Connor Franta and I'm back at being depressed. Not as bad as back then, because now I have my getaways called going out with the car blasting music or cutting up my arms.
At one point they had enough though. They knew something was wrong with me, because it was pretty obvious. I was stubborn. I was sure that there was nothing wrong with me. They were patient until they had enough. They sat me down at the kitchen table and we had the much needed talk. I confessed my feelings and it tore them down. I tore them down that day. They promised to help me and find help if I wanted too. I knew I needed help, so I didn't reject it. I had made them promise not to tell anyone, I would start telling people in my own time starting with my parents, Trevor and Sam. I knew they deserved to know. In return they made me promise to try not to do anything again. I knew it was going to be tough, but I was going to try. I promised them. I had to keep it.
I kept it. I had stopped hurting myself and started to attend psychiatrist sessions with a really nice guy. He really helped me and I could turn towards the guys at any given time. Even in the middle of the night. They made sure I did, they couldn't risk me going back to a blade. At nights I usually went to Kian. He wasn't so hard to wake up. Jc was worst at that and Ricky was fine as well, but needed his sleep, otherwise he would be really grumpy the next day. Kian always made space for me to lay down and I'd sleep in his bed. I felt safe and had no urges to leave and cut up my arms anymore. On days itself, I went to Jc a lot. He wouldn't force me to talk. He just held me until I felt fine again. When I was fine again he would start small talk about it, and I usually told him why myself. He would wait for me to talk in my own time. Ricky would sometimes force questions out of me. Don't think I love the guy, I really do, but sometimes I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want my days to consist talking about only that if I was trying to get better. It doesn't work like that.
And now I'm back.
I hurt myself again. It felt so good, but so wrong at the same time. I broke the promise. Again. I'm so mad at myself right now. I want to cut again, but I can't. I promised them. I promised I would turn to them instead of that. I couldn't help it. I had been contemplating myself so much. I wanted to go to Kian. I really did. I just didn't do it. I went to a blade. A sharp blade. I'm crying. It hurts. I cleaned myself up. They can't find out I cut, but I don't want to be alone. I decide to go to Kian. I enter his room and close the door behind me. I walk up to the bed and slowly shake Kian. "Kian?" I ask him. He wakes up and looks at me. "Connor? Are you crying? What's wrong?" He asks me. He shoves himself to the other side of the bed to make room for me. I lay down and he instantly takes me in his arms. He just lets me cry until I calm down. "What's wrong buddy?" I have no idea why he calls me buddy. He's younger then I am. It doesn't bother me though.
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They Found Out | C.F. & O2LFanfiction
They found out my secret. I had kept my secret so well. I guess I will have to do my best to get better again. (It's with the old O2L. Connor, Sam, Trevor, Jc, Ricky and Kian!) (There will be parts for the magcon boys in my story) *Trigger warning!*