My Story on Low Self Confidence and Self Esteem

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Self confidence is an issue that is widely ignored by most people as it is either regarded as ‘attention seeking’ or ‘humility’. But there’s a big difference, trust me.

Low self confidence as well as esteem causes a lot of problem especially for teenagers as we are just developing. At this point we are naïve and don’t know who to speak to, take it or leave it we are very fragile. Low self esteem and lack of confidence can lead to depression, self isolation, anorexia, and obesity sometimes, even fatally suicide.

The media plays an important role in how we portray how self. Their idea for white people’s perfection is Giselle Bündchen . Skinny. Flawless skin. and flawless every thing. For black girls, its the curvy body big bum tight abs and big breast and unbelievably light skin the irony, ‘black girls’. We aren’t clones for crying out loud. No matter how hard you try, you will never look like Beyonce or Rihanna. You will never look like Emma Watson or Kiera Knightley. Want to know why because we have different genetic coding, we are all different. That £23 loose powder will not make a difference. I know that now. So just do you because you’re the bestest you.

 Many people would class me as someone who’s very comfortable with her self, out spoken, weird as well as a freak. But that’s all a big act; in fact I think I deserve an Oscar. I’ve struggled with my self confidence since the tender age of ten, many things contributed to me becoming an introvert. It affected a lot of things in my life and relationships with people I’m sorry this is sounding aimless but I just don’t know where to start. But here goes nothing. I don’t fit in, I’ve never fitted in, in any where in my life I’ve always stood out like a thumb, I was either too fat, or too skinny, short or tall  meek or a little aggressive and lets not forget a total zit face, however that never stopped me from trying to fit in. Anything it cost. I would pay.

There was a time when I starved my self for days on end and all I drank was the canteen apple flavoured water to keep me going. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. My tummy stuck out, I didn’t fit into those skinny jeans every one else seemed to look so nice in. When I stood on head I could feel the weight of my cheeks come down and close my already squinty eyes, my nose was fat and ears stuck out. Arghh hate talking about it because it sounds awfully pathetic. I had a face covered with pimples when every one else had flawless skin. I always thought ‘why couldn’t I be pretty like them’. You know the mirror by the yr eleven’s lockers, I stood there and asked my self how can people stand to look at me and not feel sick or how can people be nice to me and touch my face like there was nothing there. I honestly hated my self and everything I saw. I went home to cry every night and I stood by the mirror wishing for a better face. That wasn’t this.

Boys flocked at my friends asking them out and then, there was me. No one wanted this. I don’t even want this.

As for my spots, Oh lord the amount of clearasils bought, I became my own dermatologist, I came up with concoction of soaps, creams and routines. There was a point where I started using highly acidic product followed by application of sanitizers. Although they burnt my skin and brought great discomfort, I was happy as I thought the pain meant I was getting closer to beauty. I just wanted to be beautiful like everyone around me.

Having this attitude destroyed me. I got to the point where I was unhealthily skinny and my skin started to flake.  My mum complained. My friends complained and talked at me. They all thought shouting would help but it didn’t because in my head I was doing all that for them, so it would be easier for them to look at me. But they didn’t like it or me; there was nothing I could do to be perfect. I would never be. I got to a point in my life where I reached an all time low. I was lonely. I was Isolated. I was depressed. I felt that no one understood. So I never spoke to anyone. Months passed, then I met this amazing person. He never meant anything to me at first, he was just another guy. I expected to be over looked again but this time it was different. He wanted to be with me, he wanted me of all people. At first I really didn’t care, of course.  It started out subtly we were friends, got to know each other, it got deeper, he was a bit older by a year or 3. No guys he didn’t take any advantage of me don’t give me that look. He was nice. He was my rock. He was there to pick me up when I needed it and I could talk to him but I couldn’t be really open with him because I was too scared I didn’t want my feelings to be hurt. I didn’t want to go back to that lonely grieving girl that nobody wanted. I knew happiness didn’t last long especially where I was concerned but  he meant everything to me. I changed my self for him even though he never asked for it but my  low self confidence ruined it I started to think how could someone like him want me there had to be a catch to this I started to doubt him and everything we had. I pushed my self away from him and there was some girl that liked him back then, she was sooooo pretty and I felt like I couldn’t compete and my head started. I don’t even know.  She was everything I wasn’t. She had boobs and bum and wasn’t scared to show the world. She wanted to be a model. She spoke French and wrote it almost fluently.  He never said he liked her but I just wanted him to be happy, I thought I was doing the right thing. At this time I didn’t know how much I had fallen for him.

I lost who I loved because I had no self esteem, I couldn’t believe in my self, I couldn’t tell my self for once, I am good enough. No. I miss him so much. Although he chose to stay in my life, he forced himself on me; he was there when I had another melt down due to family issue. He was there when no one else was, even when I closed my self and hid away from me he found me. He was there for me regardless of how I treated him. And I still can’t find the confidence and believe to say to him ‘I miss you and I loved you’ and I’m losing him slowly but surely. He’s human, he’s getting fed up but I cant I don’t know how.

The reason I’m telling you this is that believing in your self and having a confidence in yourself is vital. If you don’t you miss out on an awful lot and you lose the most important people in your life. Sometimes even your happiness.

You feel scared of admitting to your self that I’m good enough for this. I deserve this.

I watch girls in younger years struggle and although they deal with it in the worst way possible. Like throwing themselves at boys for confidence and having sex because it makes them feel wanted that isn’t not kl and we condemn them, saying they’re hoes and sket but we aren’t really getting to the root of the problem. We are just pushing them into it more and more.

And we all play a role in deteriorating our peers self confidence, snide side comments hurts a lot deeper than intended so you should consider how you would feel if u were a very emotional person  and what you were about to say was said to you.

Finally I would like to remind you that your happiness is your own hands. See I broke my self down but I’m building my self back up right now as we speak. Do you know why?  Because, I deserve to be happy. I want to be truly happy like I was when I was younger not the fake happy with the fake smile and laugh, I want my heart to smile. I want to believe in my self, that yes I can do it I can get into the top maths set because I’m purely amazing I want to believe this I really want to. And guys this is the part where I give you a master class on developing confidence. Tell yourself right now. Actually shout it and say I am beautiful! Because you’re. you really are. Come on shout! Now whisper it!

ps. i dont want your sympathy jst your support to help ppl in younger years with this problem and help me raise awareness about it 

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