Demons. I can feel them again. But for one time they’re excessively. I can feel how they are getting over me and then I remember it’s that feel the one I’ve been feeling for over 2 years. I remember the words from earlier today. ‘bitch’ ‘slut’ ‘useless piece of shit’ well I’m kinda used to it now but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It stil feels like I have nothing. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to be excited for. Nothing to breathe for. Nothing to live for. I get to the bathroom as I sit on the border of the bath. I look in the mirror and I start thinking. Why the hell am I even here. I’m not supposed to live this sad, I’m supposed to have friends - well I have one – and live a happy life. I can’t wait ‘till graduation then I will finally get released from this hell of a high school. I keep thinking about the words they say to me not just today but every day. ‘Fat ass hoe’ I stop at the word fat. Fat. Am I this fat? I mean i know I don’t have a model body but fat. I change clothes and look in the mirror. The one thing I say is a girl a fat one. I can easily describe this girl with only one word. Broken. I put on a pair of baggy trousers. I’m still in front of the mirror the disgusting mirror. I hate the girl in front of it I wish she was pretty slim and perfect. I look in the cabinet searching for that one thing. The razor. As I find it I go back to the border and sit. Should I or not? I look in the mirror for one time again. ‘Do it’ I whisper to myself. I grab the razor and put it on my arm. I keep thinking about the words and about my not so bright future. “You can clean up the blood but you’ll never be able to clean up the scars” I remember the words coming out of Ali’s mouth. Then I think about her Ali my best friend. The only person who is there for me but not always we don’t even have class together I only see her during lunch. If she is not with any boy. Everyone wants her she is pretty slim and yeah perfect. She is everything I ever wanted to be. ‘Enough’ I say to myself I push the razor deeper into arm and slide it over my arm. I see the blood streaming out of my cut. I stand up drop the razor and run upstairs. When I hear the key scratching in the lock I look up. ‘The razor’ I say to myself. I run to the bathroom but I can’t find it anywhere. I look everywhere but I can’t find the used razor. ‘Come on’ I whisper. I need to find it before my mom does. My heart starts beating faster than normally. ‘Destiny?’ my mom yells from downstairs. ‘Coming’ I say but you could hear the scared tone in my voice from miles away. I feel the tears in my eyes thinking about what would happen if my mom found out. ‘Des?’ she yells again. ‘Almost ready’ I say still looking. I can hear her coming upstairs. I fall on my knees I’m about to faint when I hear my name just at the moment I find the razor under the balance. I hated that thing I hated the numbers on the scale I hated the feeling when you’re standing on top of it. I just hated it. I grab the razor and try to put it in my pocket just as I realize these pants don’t have any. ‘Yes?’ I answer when I see my mom in the entry. ‘I got something for you’ she says with a confused look or is it a worried look. Her face is one big question mark. ‘Oh okay I’ll be there in a minute.’ I say with a look on my face that says “go away”. ‘What are you holding she says pointing at the razor in my hand. ‘Uh nothing’ I say trying to hide it behind my back. She walks towards me and grabs my polse. Lucky for me it’s not the arm with the cuts. ‘Just a razor I was searching it I wanted to shave my legs cause we have P.E tomorrow’ I said. ‘Oh okay’ she answered and walked away
Well this happens to me a lot but I know that after high school I won’t cut anymore well I promised myself that. I think it’s not going to be so hard because the awful people from high school will probably not be coming to the university of Georgia. It’s going to be a new start for me. New people. New friends. New life. But right now I’m still stuck in this hell for 1 month. You would say it’s not that long but for me it feels like ages. I go back to my room after I threw away the razor. Apparently my mom didn’t see the blood that I’m sure of was still dripping of the razor. I grabbed my diary as I started writing.
Lately I’ve been wondering, wondering about my future a lot. If I will make it if I will be able to pass this year the exams are already starting at Monday and I am scared if I will not be able to make it to next year. I need to get out of high school I can’t stay in this burning hell. I hear hurtful comments every day I cut myself every day I hurt myself every day. I even have to purge out the lunch I ate at school. If I stay there for only one other year. I swear to god I will rot to death. Ali is doing the best for me as she can but she is not an angel she can’t do anything about it. It’s just my destiny.
YOU ARE READING
Destiny is a girl who has been fighting against selfharming and boulimia for over 2 years. She gets bullied and she hates herself. She has a lot of problems at school and also at home. When she meets a boy named Zayn everything changes. But will he...