"You have been through much my child," Hestia calmly reminded.
" Yes I know... but for my children all I have to blame is myself," I whispered.
"Here my child lets walk down memory lane, and let me show you it wasn't all your fault." She gently placed her hand on my back and guided me to the horrible memories.
A familiar green eyed man stood in front of me, his unkempt auburn red hair, his breath smelling of alcohol, same messy button up shirt, as he slurred, "Come here honey let me hug you."
Then there was a younger girl, same red curly hair, green wide eyed child of a younger me. Her eyes wide as she backed away, "No stay away."
Instantaneously his eyes hardened as he grabbed my or her wrist with an angry growl he asked, "Explain to me why I should stay away you wretched bitch."
I whimpered the woman I maybe know was terrified of that man still to this very day. The way he touched me.... I shuddered, no woman should have ever been touched like that.... Nor should they ever be hit. As I thought that I heard a lough slap! I flinched and saw that, the horrible man I had to call a father had slapped her and continued to do what he was gonna do anyways. Drunken ass hole... I thought bitterly. I was glad to see the day he died. Me and Hestia walked back to the garden from before.
"See child? It wasn't your fault you didn't learn how to love, your mother died giving birth to you so a mothers love was never taught to you." Her calm voice washed over me. Though it didn't calm me it caused me to sob uncontrollably.
"Every m-mother knows n-not to kill her children!" I screamed and sobbed some more.
Hestia smiled down at me, "Yet your children understood everything, each of them forgave you and still love you. You showed them both every thing and we only gone through one third of it all."
She gently grabbed my elbows and brought me to my feet, "Come child we aren't done, once you forgive your self completely."
We walked to another horrible scene, me with my wrist bleeding, stomach full of Strattera, me on the verge of death, then me finally being smart and calling 9-1-1. Then to me being pulled on a stretcher to the hospital van. Then to me at the hospital throwing up the pills I took.. The scene played over and over just in different places until I finally had a shot gun in my mouth and the back wall splattered with my won blood and a bullet hole in it. My heart ached, there was so many times I wanted to take my life from not only my self but my children too. Oh god I am a horrible mother.....
Hestia placed her hand on my shoulder as she said, "Come now child just let it go and forgive your self. You tried to make it easier for your self do not blame yourself for trying that."
"The ways I tried though... All horrible ways.." I whimpered.
She smiled down warmly at me, "You're not the only one who's done those things." She laughed softly. "Now to the last test."
Oh god..... No not him too. A blond blue eyed man stood before me, and a me with a swollen belly. He smiled at me, and I shuddered the other women flinched.
"Look at you carrying a healthy boy, proof of our love." He said smiling at her and her stomach.
"Our love?" I mocked "You rapped me!"
His eyes darkened at my words, "And you know if anyone knows that I don't give a damn if you are baring my child! I will kill you and that child!" He screamed.
I flinched and said, "Sorry love I mean, our child will be beautiful." I put up my best smile and held his hand.
"See you did your best to save your children and in the end after two beautiful children you got a restraining order sent him to jail and he was kind to his children after that but never you.... Forgive your self child." she said.
Could I do that? I looked back at the memory and saw how much I was trying to break his focus on the child and I let go.... I felt light and free.... Free.... the memory melted and there was white... I let go and let my wings unfurl and take flight. I saw my children again playing tag in a grassy plane and hugged them tight wings and all. We all were free at last.
"I love you babies and I will never let anyone ever hurt you again not even me."