Suicide Sky

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She
Loved the stars
They were so far away
Yet so close
Pictures made universal
From stories long ago
The thought of outer space alarmed her
Empty and unknown
But stars
They were bright and vivid
Whenever she looked up at night
They shone down on her
Giving her a sense of
Serenity and content
When all seemed lost
She reached for them
As a cry of desperation
A plea for help
But she felt as alone as the Curiosity rover
Drifting through each day
Searching for any means of life
But alas both were lost
She
Was hopeless

She
Was tormented
Crippled by her own demise
Anxiety
Depression
ADHD
They were overwhelming
She became taunted and teased
A target for cruel words
A magnet of apathy and hatred
There would be people who tried
Tried to help
Tried to comfort
Tried to save
But all eventually gave up
And left her alone
To their harsh phrases
And her destructive thoughts
She felt like Pluto
Desolate
Abandoned
Cold and small
Forgotten
For no one noticed her beauty
Or her kindness
Or her talent
Her wisdom
Her maturity
Her
All they saw was
Gay
Anxious
Weak
Depressed
Loner
Stupid
Worthless
N O T H I N G
Who was to say otherwise?
She
Was a clown

She
Was betrayed
The only person who she ever trusted
Was gone
It was not a subtle absence
It was not mutual
No
This
This was meant to hurt
This was meant to scar
This was meant
To kill
Their name was EJ
She trusted EJ with everything
All her secrets
Fears
Thoughts
Insecurities
Crushes
Dreams
Feelings
And they threw it all away
They didn't care about her
Not at all
She was worthless to EJ
A nobody
A stranger
A nice-to-have
A toy
They messed with her mind
One day she was
laughing
Talking
Smiling
The next
Fighting
Hurting
Arguing
Falling
Deeper and deeper into hardships
EJ
They were fine
They ignored her
Acted like she never existed
Just to cut her even deeper
One day
She had enough
She was sick of falling back into their trap
The endless cycle of sorrow
She knew she was just some sort of Rubik's cube
Being twisted and turned until
EJ finally had her figured out completely
Until they finally threw her away for good
She didn't know how bad it would hurt
She thought she meant something to them
Just as much as they meant to her
However
That was not the case
And it was too late when she found out
She felt like Neptune
Core turning colder and colder
Filling up with sadness and guilt
She was
A l o n e

She
Was vulnerable
He knew
They all did
He just recognized it
A year and a half
Of purposeful hate
Manipulation
Exhaustion
He scared her
So much
Every time she saw him
It struck fear in her heart
She would sprint off down the hall
Down the street
Down the bus ramp
If she was lucky
She'd get away unnoticed
But she was no four-leaf clover
He and his friends
They loved to scream in her ears
Make her flinch
Make her cry
Make her whimper
Make her run
Run
RUN
RUN

R U N
R U N
Until she couldn't breathe
It was hilarious to them
Her pain and anxiety
They found entertainment
In her suffering
She felt like the sun
Stuck in the middle
In the center of attention
While they chased around her
Teasing her mind
She
Was afraid

She
Was done
Done with the pain
Done with the anxiety
Done with the depression
Done with the loneliness
Done with the backstabbing
Done with it all
D O N E
She had had enough
It was on her mind all day
She was going to do it
She was going
To die
That was her only escape
Death
Her only exit
Was to exit life
Walk right out of this world
Forever

May 2nd, 2016.
19:02
She tried
She swallowed a handful of ibuprofen tablets
All at once
She felt happy
That these were her last moments
That she was finally going to die
She failed
They found her
On her bike
In her old neighborhood
Someone called the police
She didn't know who
But they called
And she didn't die
The police called her phone
Told her to stay there
She did
She wasn't going to die
She wasn't going to die
She broke down
She cried softly as she got off her bike
Sitting on the side of the curb
She sobbed quietly in her hands
Why couldn't she just die already?
The police showed up
He talked to her
He said she had so much longer to live
She was only thirteen, after all
She wiped her eyes while the police radioed for an ambulance
Did she really have any reason to live?
Everything he said
It still didn't seem true
She didn't believe it at all
As the ambulance pulled up
She stood slowly
Not feeling any different
Neither mentally or physically
Her body was fine
Her mind was a wreck
She stayed silent as the EMT's took her vitals
Only responding when they asked questions
One of them she had never seen before
The other was familiar
He was the father of a friend turned enemy
He was a kind man
His son
Not so much
He criticized her for being gay
For loving girls
For doing the same thing he did
It was wrong for her to have a girlfriend she cared about
But it wasn't wrong for him to stare at another girl's ass
Without her knowing
His father didn't know that
He only knew
That she wanted to die

She
Was institutionalized
Suicidal attempt
Anxiety

Depression
It was only for fifteen days
Worst fifteen days of her life
She had to stay there with twenty-three other girls
Most were there for the same reason as her
They wanted to die
She discovered something there
A new perspective on living
The counselors there always talked
Not for the sake of talking
But to open their eyes
One of them
Ms. Alexis
Was very good at that
She wasn't very liked
Some thought she was strict
Others thought she was there for the money
She obviously wasn't
None of them were
The pay wasn't very good
However
The outcome for the children was
Ms. Alexis taught her and everyone else
That maybe it was their fault
That they can't control anyone else
But they can control themselves
They can decide what they do
How they react
This was a result of their reaction
That it wasn't easy
That it would never be easy
Unless they tried
Unless they worked up to being self-controlled
Unless they thought before they did
Unless they
Tried
She was a supernova
Her gloom exploding
Bits and pieces evident
But not whole
She was new
Different
Transformed
She
Was free
Free from the mental hospital
Free from the debilitating misery
It was not gone
No
It was still there
It would never fade away that easily
But she was prepared

She is the universe
Full of different parts
Hot and cold
Ecstatic and depressed
Serene and anxious
Each one revolving around one another
When one died
The other lived
Full of beauty and light
Insecurity and darkness
She is a galaxy

From 2000-2016, 205,310,400 people who have self-harmed, attempted suicide, or committed suicide. For one of the 380,000,000 stars in the sky, there are two people who have done one of the three. This story is my experience with suicide. It is extremely difficult. It is degrading and painful, at the very least. But, for anyone experiencing this pain, here is some advice. Go out of your house at 11:11 p.m. and look at the stars. Make a wish. Doesn't matter what it's about. Then, remind yourself of this. There are two people that are going through or have gone through the same pain as you, and the representation is right above your head.
You are never alone.

Fin.

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