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I've been running red lights.

Ever since I got a car. Never been injured, hurt, or even in an accident.

I don't have any friends, so I have no one to tell this to. Some people think I'm crazy, a weirdo. That I plain and simply need help.

Maybe I do, maybe I don't, it's all opinions. Though, it's not every day that someone runs lights for the hell of it. You see, I run lights for a reason.

It's my junior year at high school and still, no one knows the real me expect for him. I think he knows or at least is close to knowing. He's always there asking questions, trying to figure me out as if I don't have enough problems to deal with. Some days, I wish I could tell him. Just open up the book of Hope Carter.

Others days I tell him to look what curiosity did to the cat. He gives that awful look of sadness but I always walk away. Pretending that I don't care. On the inside, I do. They're jealous that he's popular and out of all the people he chose to hang out with, he chose me.

That makes me curious.

I'm not special or pretty, so why me? Why would anyone be near me? I only bring sadness and death. That's all. Nothing important, yet he comes every day with his huge smile for the past 10 years since he's been here in our little town. Maybe one day he'll see my true colors and see why everyone else has run away.

I will never deserve a happy ever after. I'm perfectly fine with that. I accepted it a long time ago, it's not for me to have. I'm the one to blame for what happened to her.

Even dad knows it and he makes sure that I remember every day. I was selfish and rude and stupid like always. Now...now I'm just depressed, sad and full of what if's.

What if I was nicer to her? What if I appreciated what she tried to do for me before it was too late?

I take my phone from the dresser and grab my headphones while I'm at it. I throw them in my bag and quickly change, tightening my Converses as if they might get robbed right from my feet. I stuff some snacks and water and my speaker into my bag and zip it up.

I'm careful opening the door, hoping that it doesn't creak, to my disappointment, it lets me down.

Stupid doors.

I'm about to crawl back into my hole of a room when I hear my dad's footsteps. I would lock my door but he has taken it away from my door a long time ago and replaced it with the easy ones. He has found out my tricks even in his mainly drunken state.

"Where do you think you're going?"

I shrug my shoulders, not able to find words to tell him.

"Well, I bet you'll know to stay your worthless ass put when I'm done," I beg him not to and tried to say sorry but it wouldn't work as he dragged me down the stairs with him. His pulls his belt out from his pants and whips me as hard as he can.

I cried out in pain and he does it five more times before he throws me against the wall, picks up his beer and walks away.

I pull up my shirt to see the damage and see the bruises starting to form. I limp back to the room and cry myself to sleep.

"Honey, I'll be there in 10 minutes okay. I wouldn't miss your performance for the world. Your dad said he wasn't able to come though because he's still at work."

"MISS. CARTER! Are you going to do something!!"

"I'm sorry Ma'am."

"Miss, I'm sorry but your mom died in a car crash, is there someone you can call to get you."

"This is all your fault! You will pay for this!"

"She just wants attention cause her mom died, boo hoo, who cares."

They all fill my head and I scream out in frustration.

I haven't slept for a whole 8 hours ever since the accident and that was 5 years ago.

Ever since my father has also been cruel and beat me for what has happened. He never used to be like this. We use to always talk and laugh with each other but now.

Now, I look too much like her for him to even look at me without being drunk or high.

I secretly work on the weekends to get money for college and been studying crazy hard for scholarships. I need to get away from this town and this past and my problems.

If that means working until I fall asleep then so be it because while I know that I most likely deserve what I get, it doesn't mean I actually want it.

Life for me has been so hard I forgot the last time I had a good moment. A moment when you look around and think, yup everything is going to be okay.

These days I look up to the sky and pray to God that those days will come back. I also ask for forgiveness. Dad won't let me go to church anymore, and I miss a good sermon. I pray that I can hear those again but until then I'll keep praying because I know that everything happens for a reason.

We might not see it right now, at this moment, and that's okay. I just really wished I knew the reason now. It'll probably stop me from being so sad.

I turn my head to look at my alarm clock and realized that it is around 4 o'clock. No point of me trying to get some sleep in.

I pull my covers off of me and grabbed my rag and towel, getting ready for another day.

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