Holding On To You (Josh Dun) (Wattys16)

six

I let out a sigh as we parked on the drive way to the house that had been my home for the past 23 years.

"Are you okay?" Dave asked as he met me in front of the car and we started walking to the front door.

"Yeah, just sentimental I guess" I answered and smiled at him.

"ELLIE!!" Daves mom came out on the porch to meet us, and she hugged and kissed me so much I thought I'd suffocate.

"Hey Mrs. Harrolds" I greeted her and hugged her back.

Dave's dad and my parents came out to greet us too, and for a moment everything felt normal. It felt comforting coming home to these people.

"So how are you?" Dave's mom asked me concerned, referring to the accident.

"I'm okay, I think" I said briefly while my mind went some place else. Some place with red bright hair and dark glittering eyes that is.

I hadn't told Dave that I slept at Josh's place for a few nights, I figured it didn't mean anything anyway so he didn't have to find out.

But every second spent apart from Josh made me realize that it did mean something.

This feeling of denial had filled me ever since I met him. It was like a lion trapped in a cage that was my chest, trying to get out. I had to fight it though, I couldn't let it win.

We sat down at the dinner table and started eating while making smalltalk. I tried to keep up but it was hard since I didn't even hear what they said. 

Everytime they changed the subject my mind wandered off to Josh's apartment.

I imagined myself sitting on his windowsill late at night, looking down at the city and talking about dreams and fears. Thats what we talked about the most. That and song lyrics.

"Maybe it's best if you would move back home for a while sweetie?" My moms voice brought me back to reality and I found everyone starring at me, waiting for a reply.

"What?" I asked confused.

My mom kept going.

"We just said that this accident must have been so hard on you, and we all agreed that it would be best if you came back home for a while, just to get some rest. I bet it's hard living in London now after all..."

I felt the lion claw inside my chest, and I put my hand over it in a failed attempt to shut it out.

"Yeah.... I don't know" I answered and looked around the table.

Dave looked at me with enthusiastic eyes. Of course he wanted me to come back home. Then he wouldn't have to move away, leaving his confort zone.

We could get married here, have kids and live a boring life and grow old together. That was a perfect plan for him. 

But for me? I didn't want that. All I wanted right now was to go back to London. To get away from these people trying to tell me what was best for me, when they had no idea of what I thought.

"You don't really have anything holding you back there anyway, but here you have us, and Dave" my dad tried to convince me.

"uhm..." I tried to say something but the lion kept clawing his way through my chest and I had to gasp for air. I tried to fight it, I tried to tell myself that it meant nothing to me.

I looked into Dave's eyes and all I could see was blackness. Where was the spark? The fire? I couldn't breathe so I stood up and walked out to get some air.

As I stood on the front porch and focused on my breathing, I closed my eyes and saw Josh.

Oh god I can't do this anymore.