Holding On To You (Josh Dun) (Wattys16)

five

He stood up to turn the TV off, and suddenly the whole room went black. I hadn't realized it had gotten dark outside.

"You wanna sleep in the bed?" Josh asked. "I can sleep here if you want to"

He looked a little off, like he tried not to cross the line.

"We can sleep in the bed, it's okay" I said and stood up too.

I could barely find my way through the dark room but suddenly I felt Josh's hand in mine as he quietly led me into the bedroom and closed the door.

Then he turned to me, still holding my hand, and I could feel his warm breaths on my face.

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped at that moment, and that's probably why the thought of me having a boyfriend was totally gone from my mind. All I could feel was Josh's breaths and his hand that carefully rubbed mine.

I could see the contours of his face, and the glitter in his eyes were still there even though it was completely dark. 

I know he thought the same thing I did, we really couldn't go through with this. 

It wouldn't be right. But right now, everything felt perfect and I didn't want to miss a thing.

I could feel his face coming closer before his lips touched mine lightly. He was so careful, almost as if he thought I was gonna break. He put his other hand on the back of my neck and I carefully responded to the kiss.

His hand let go of mine and he tucked at the end of my shirt, and I willingly lifted my arms so he could pull it off. His hand trailed up and down my back, tickeling me a little. 

It felt good though, I could feel the goose bumbs on my arms. Before I could think he had tossed away his shirt and I put my hands to his chest and let out a small moan as I felt his heart race. 

I could feel him smile for a bit against my mouth.

I found myself pushing him lightly towards the bed and he followed me, turned us around and slowly lowered his body over mine onto the bed. 

Our lips never parted, his tounge played over my lips asking for permission to enter, so I opened my mouth more to let him in.

Josh immediately deepened the kiss and a small moan escaped his lips into my mouth as he carefully kept stroking my side.

"Wait" I heard my own voice say as I pulled away from the kiss.

Josh looked surprised but stopped immediately, putting his weight to one of his elbows.

"I just.." I didn't know what to say, I just knew this train was going way too fast and I needed it to slow down.

"You're right, we shouldn't rush this" Josh said with a low voice close to my ear as if he could read my mind, and I could feel the goose bumbs on my arms coming back.

I felt ashamed for taking it this far in the first place, for giving him false hope.

I knew this was what he wanted, but I just couldn't do this to Dave. Not like this.

"Let's just sleep" Josh said and pulled the comforter over our bodies.

I turned to my side and Josh wrapped his arm around me.

I could feel his breaths in my neck, as he layed close behind me.

Soon he was asleep, but I spent the whole night wide awake, thinking. 

Why was my life suddenly such a mess? And why was my feelings playing tricks with me?!

---|-/---

:.:JOSH:.:

This was the third night she spent here, and this time we actually slept through it all. At least I did, and it felt great. For the first time in a week I was at peace. 

I went into the bathroom to take a shower, and when I got back I found Ellie sitting on the side of the bed with her phone in her hand. 

Her hair was tied up in a bun, exposing her beautifully tanned neck.

"I'm going back to Doncaster for a few days" she said as I entered.

"Oh" I said in surprise. "Are you visiting your parents?"

"Yeah... And I have to talk to Dave. I haven't talked to him since he left"

I thought that was a good thing, but apparently not.

"What are you gonna say to him?" I asked hoping to hear she'd tell him it was over. I mean it was, right?

"I don't know... I don't know what I want, what I feel" she sighed.

"You mean you still want to get back to him?" I asked her, hoping she'd tell me no.

Her ocean blue eyes met mine and I felt myself drowning.

She didn't say anything, she didn't have to. I knew what she was thinking.

"Aren't you gonna think about this for a minute or two?" I asked as she started gathering her things.

"What is there to think about?"

"Me, maybe?"

I knew she knew, she just tried to avoid it. She tried to ignore this thing we had, it would probably make her life easier.

"I can't do this Josh" she said with that sad voice I knew all too well and walked out of the bedroom.

"Twenty one people died that day, and I would've been one of them if it weren't for you. You don't just walk away from that!" I yelled in desperation as I followed her.

"Oh but walking away from a two year long relationship because of it makes sense? I can't believe you're doing this Josh!"

"Well maybe it's time you realize he doesn't understand you the way I do. You said it yourself, he doesn't get it!"

"That doesn't mean he doesn't get ME!" She yelled at me. I don't know why but I figured her yelling at me was much better than her not talking to me at all.

"And that sure as hell doesn't mean he doesn't love me, or that I don't love him! We share so much, but you and me? We only know eachother from the accident"

"And that means nothing to you?"

"Of course it does, it's just... we can't do this Josh."

She looked at me, and her eyes had shifted. Instead of the ocean, there was a storm.

She walked out of the apartment, leaving me breathless on the livingroom floor. 

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AUTHORS NOTE

Even I feel hurt from this :'( 

So tell me, what do you think will happen? The person(s) who have the right, or at least the closest guess will get a shout out in the last chapter :D