Conquest

Cat Bow Ties!

There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who self-destructs in moments of weakness, spiraling into oblivion the minute an authority figure issues a vote of ill-confidence, and the kind who pours herself a glass of white wine, paints a homemade green tea peel-off mask onto her face, and sets about helping said authority figure's incapable husband plan a kick-ass party to further fill the family coffers.

Brie has located three potential caterers and emailed the florist, so she decides that it's time for a bong rip. Why shouldn't she? This is me time. Love yourself. If you don't, no one will.

Brie lights the bowl and draws the smoke up the column. Asian food. That's the ticket. Sushi, fresh spring rolls, Thai chili oyster shooters. Portable, goes great with bubbles and fruity froof cocktails, sensitive to those (everyone) watching their weight. A boba station, green tea mochi for dessert. Done. Voilà! Next challenge. Brie expels a prodigious stream of white smoke into the room and instantly she's stoned.

What's up with spending your days working towards other people's goals? When is she going to be her own boss? When will Brie's talents start benefitting Brie for a change? Blah blah blab, commissions, working together, aligned incentives. No no, that's all unicorn shit. They'll say anything to keep you on the treadmill. Good job, employee #666, here's a shit-ass raise for you. And look! Your title has the word Manager in it now. Go update your LinkedIn profile, grab a free energy bar from the break room, and keep quiet, Pissant.

Brie ambles into the kitchen, opens the fridge, and starts eating jalapeno pub cheese with her finger without intention.

Quick: what's the difference between Marian and Brie? Ideas? Nope, Brie's got ideas flowing from her pores. Intelligence? Wrongeroo, she's got smarts for days. The difference is in the doing. She just needs to choose one of her many fantastic ideas and execute with intelligence. Execution, that's the difference.

Brie returns to her computer with the wine bottle and tries to remember all her good ideas. What was that one she had the other night at the bar? Some new dating app she invented. It was based on the horoscope and watching the same TV shows or something. Did she write it down? Brie looks around half-heartedly for her phone.

Oh! What about the time she used her pour-over coffee maker to instantly infuse tequila with jalapenos? That was clever. That idea has legs. Brie creates a new Word doc and sits with her fingers poised above the keys. Huh, but what exactly is the invention? You can't really make money from thinking of a new use for a product that already exists. That is, unless you're some lifestyle guru who does segments on the Today show and writes a monthly column in Bon Appétit or Martha Stewart Living. No, not Martha. Then you'd just be right back where you started, working for some dragon lady, but Martha's bomb for coming out of prison better than before. Besides, for stuff like that you need a "platform" and an online presence slightly less blemished than Brie's. She still hasn't managed to get that video taken down.

Think. What do people like? They like sex, but let's not go there. Her parents still go to church. People like food, which is overdone at this point. Have you been to Bed Bath & Beyond? People like animals. People love their pets! It's crazy what people will do for their animal companions. She saw someone in West Hollywood the other day carrying a cat around in a baby carrier. Or maybe it was a dog. Or a baby, but the point is, pet lovers don't think twice about dropping their dough on dog sweaters and gluten-free milkbones. The dogs are all tricked out these days, but what about the cats? Cats haven't yet adopted the consumer mindset of their owners. You have to think of something that appeals to their vanity and sophistication.

A bolt of lightning. Brie holds up her arms like Rocky. "Cat Bow Ties!"

That's freaking smart. Now that is an idea. Every cat in America should be wearing a bow tie. There's a design for every feline personality. Colors, patterns, holidays, glow in the dark, leather, light-up, Disney characters, there's no limit! The more flamboyant cats would want one for every day of the week! Lavender-scented for the mentally unstable. This is big. This would kill it on Shark Tank. Brie issues a low sinister mua ha ha as she types Cat Bow Ties: Execution Plan at the top of her document.