CHAPTER 23 Birthday Girl

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copyright 2017 Chris Smith  All rights reserved.

"Loving you

brings me

to the edge

of my soul."


I didn't know what to do about Mom's birthday. I'd been dreading it for weeks. These days life was pretty somber, like all the joy had been sucked out of the room. We've been doing our best to hold on. To survive. To breathe. To get up and live. The foreclosure broke us. But it broke Mom most of all.

Holidays and birthdays haven't mattered much in years. So many of them were tainted with hardships.

My favorite line every year was, "Maybe next year we can have Christmas. Maybe next year our lives will change for the better."

But the change never seemed to come. Or when it did, it only seemed to drive us deeper into the hole.

The best Holidays were at my Grandmother's house. We'd pick out a tree from the Family Farm and we'd all gather around back at my Grandmother's house to decorate it. The tree would be so high it would almost touch the vaulted ceiling. I miss those huge trees. I miss the fun of being together. I miss belonging...somewhere.

When I was younger, birthdays included cakes with surprises inside, care of my Mom. She'd stick small objects in them, things like pennies. So eating cake became a treasure hunt. I don't know where she learned of the idea. But it became a tradition in our home. Though, looking back I hope she cleaned the pennies before she stuck them in the cake!

I miss the days when life seemed so much lighter and full of celebration. I missed Mom being present. I looked at her now days, hoping to see a spark of life. I wanted to see something in her that wanted more for herself and her life. But if she had any sparks she kept it well hidden from plain sight.

What could we do?

What are we doing?

Keep on fighting. Keep on believing in miracles. Keep moving forward, even though we didn't know where the fuck we were going or how we could arrive there.


For love. Because if we're not putting faith into love, into each other, what the fuck are we doing.

I searched online for the Gerson Institute website and ordered their packet of books and CDs. It took over a week to get them, which felt like forever. But the moment they came in the mail, I tore into them. It was research time. I needed to know how to get started and what we needed to do to save Mom.

I needed something to do. I needed something to believe in. I needed a way forward. I needed to know how to fight back the darkness that was sucking my Mom's life force right before our eyes.



Days at Home: 11

Today is Mom's birthday. She said she wanted a chocolate cake. I asked if she wanted a stripper to go with it. Lol (laugh out loud). She made a face and said, "No thanks."

I've noticed she imitates my faces. I tend to get very expressive in the face when I interact with her. I got it from the magnificent Occupational Therapist at the Hospital, Terryn-The-Terrible. Awesome human being. She made interacting with Mom look SO easy! It's not though.

Mom's energy has been incredibly low. She doesn't have much energy to do anything. I have no idea how much is her loss of energy, and how much is her loss of drive (feeling hopeless that her life will ever change).

Dad and I've decided staying home with her is not productive, because it gives her no reason to get up and out of bed. So we go to our office, and Mom takes naps while Dad and I work.

The moods have gotten a little better. And she seems to be sleeping well at night....which means so are we.

By the way, I try not to spend a lot of time on the big C issue. I don't like to think of it's eating away at my Mom. Makes me very upset and angry when I think of it. It makes me want to rip it out of her, and KILL IT....D-E-A-D.

I told Dad, I do not believe it's a good idea to discuss Mom's condition in front of her a lot. I do not see how repeatedly talking about the big C, is going to HELP HER HEAL.

When she asks, repeatedly why she's so tired, I tell her now, "Because you're healing."

I want to that to seep into her soul. I want her to believe it, right down in the core of her fracking being, so it becomes the reality that surrounds her. If the mind is so fracking powerful, why not utilize it? I see no reason.

This week we have some help with Mom coming from the magnificent, Kate. It will be great to get into a new schedule, and get some outside help! :)

Dad and I have decided to steer Mom towards a new healing path. It's a specialized eating program, fresh juice, supplements, and coffee enemas (to help aid the liver in detox). We were introduced to do by one of my Cousin's on my Dad's side, Matt. We've ordered the books and cds to read up on it, and should have them this next week. And thanks to the generous help from my Dad's brother Jeff and his family, are about to receive a special juicer and blender this next week as well.

You can read about it online at:

And there's a documentary made about it called "The Gerson Miracle".

Neither one of us see how she could possibly handle chemo in her current very depleted state. So, the idea, is to get her on this therapy, in conjunction with other therapies as energy tested for by our Chiropractor/Family Doc/Healer, along with medically tracking her progress (blood work, urine, etc.). We want to get her healthy enough, to handle chemo, or ideally, get her healthy enough that she NO longer requires the chemo.

That's the general plan...subject to change and alter as things go on.

Thank you again for your support, ideas, love, prayers, positive thoughts, healing energy, gifts, donations, memories, etc. WE APPRECIATE IT!

Blessings to you and yours,


Tip: Try not to get frustrated...time has its own pace..

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