[Context: Am I satirizing these sorts of scammy emails, or the place I worked before my current position? Note: this may explain why none of us were getting pay raises for years.]
From: Stephen Schrum <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Sat, 09 Aug 2003 18:03:36 -0400
To: UNDISCLOSED RECIPIENTS
Rumor has it that there are 39 students from Nigeria coming to our University in Fall 2003. When I heard this, I contacted a mole I have in University Computing, and they forwarded me this email, to the Campus Financial Officer, that they had intercepted.
Note that this should not be forwarded through campus email, as it might be re-intercepted by the wrong people.
ALLOW AND PERMIT ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. I AM LAGOS CONUNDRUM, FORMER ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF AGRICULTURE IN ETHIOPIA. RECENTLY, A VERY VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE, THE PRIME MINISTER OF NIGERIA, WAS SHOT WITH NUMEROUS BULLET HOLES AND KILLED IN A BLOODY BATTLE WITH GOVERNMENT TROOPS WISHING TO RID THE COUNTRY OF UNDESIRABLES.
ON HIS DEATHBED, HE ASKED ME TO PROMISE AND PLEDGE TO TAKE CARE OF HIS CHILDREN. HIS BIGGEST WISH FOR THEM WAS THAT THEY BE EDUCATED IN YOUR COUNTRY, THE GREATEST COUNTRY FOR EDUCATION. I SWORE AN OATH TO HIM BEFORE HE DIED THAT I WOULD DO SO. WHEN I SEARCHED THE INTERNET FOR HELP, I CAME UPON YOUR KIND FACE IN YOUR PICTURE ON YOUR UNIVERSITY WEBSITE AND KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU.
HERE IS WHAT I PROPOSE: HIS 40 CHILDREN WISH TO COME TO AMERICA TO STUDY AT YOUR UNIVERSITY. I AM WILLING TO PLACE THE MONEY FOR THEIR EDUCATION DIRECTLY IN YOUR BANKING ACCOUNT, AND PAY THEIR TUITION IN FULL, IMMEDIATELY, FOR ALL FOUR YEARS OF THEIR EDUCATION. ALL YOU NEED DO IS SEND ME THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION AND I WILL DEPOSIT THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT, WITH SUFFICIENT ADDITIONAL FUNDS FOR BOOKS AND LAB FEES.
I HAVE SPOKEN TO THE CHILDREN, ALL OF WHICH ARE MALE, AND THEY ARE EXCITED BY THIS POSSIBILITY. THEY HAVE LOOKED AT YOUR WEBSITE AND ARE EAGER TO COME TO YOUR CAMPUS, ALTHOUGH ONE SAYS WVU IS BETTER FOR PARTIES. I WILL HAVE ANOTHER TALK WITH HIM AND MAY HAVE TO DISCIPLINE HIM FURTHER BEFORE SENDING HIM TO YOU.
THESE POOR ORPHAN BOYS WOULD MOST LIKELY MAJOR IN POLITICAL ASYLUM, ALTHOUGH SOME HAVE EXPRESSED AN INTEREST IN BUSINESS BANKING AND COMPUTING, IN ORDER FOR OUR COUNTRY TO ENGAGE IN DIRECT CONTACT WITH YOUR COUNTRY'S BANKS INSTEAD OF HAVING TO EMAIL YOUR PRIVATE CITIZENS FOR ASSISTANCE.
DEAR SIR OR MADAM, I HOPE TO HEAR YOUR REPLY IN VERY SHORT ORDER SO THAT WE MAY ALLOW THEM TO ESCAPE THE BRUTAL GOVERNMENT THAT KILLED THEIR FATHER AND RESTRICTS YOUNG MINDS FROM FOLLOWING THEIR HEARTS.
I REMAIN HOPING AND WISHFULLY OPTIMISTIC,