My Short Diary Life

Thursday - 13th June

Dear diary,

If I were to die, from my condition tomorrow, I would want my family to remember me as there daughter, not there daughter who passed with a deadly condition. I'm trying to be strong but knowing you only have three more months on earth left, you can't help but crumble inside.

I know there's no cure for my disease at my stage, so I don't know why the doctors are even trying. I have acute lymphoblastic Leukemia cancer. This morning I woke at normal time sweating through my clothes, all over my body not just one spot. I had a really big toe cramp so I pulled it back, to stretch it, a minute later it was bruised. I felt more tired than usual, like, really, really tired. I told my mum right away but had to quickly rush to the bathroom to vomit. I must've been there for a while, because when I looked at my achievements, the toilet was at least half full with blood-like vomit. I heard my mum on the phone to one of the neighbor-kids mums asking if they could drop my little brother and sister off at school.

My mum entered the bathroom, eyes blood shot like she'd been crying. Her eyes were full of sadness as she helped me into the car giving me a bucket, a vomit bag and she placed a ice pack on my forehead. We went straight through the emergency department and was hooked up on machines. and taking blood tests ten minutes later. They gave me strong medications to make the vomiting stop. My mum was outside making phone calls to people for ages. Her eyes were, once again, blood shot from her tears.  She spoke to doctors and that made me feel even worse, she was balling her eyes out. My dad, brother and sister came in and all held my mother. My mum was in deep discussion with dad and the news surely couldn't be good considering their reactions. 

My family entered the rooms and talked about their events so far in the day. After they were all settled in a doctor came in with a lot of paperwork. He explained to me about my disease and how long I had to live. I was crying the whole day, I would never wish this news on anybody, let alone myself. I don't think people really find sadness until a life is drawn to an end. 

My plans were to own the biggest law firm and be head of the company. I would be married to a football player and I would have three perfect kids. Now I'm not going to have any of that. I used to think that my worst fear was snakes or heights, but I never really knew. I never knew the fear of death. I never knew how it felt to say goodbye to your friends and family forever. Never knew a cancerous life. 

I'm a thirteen year old girl that should be out partying with friends. But yet here I am. At school I was the most popular girl and now I'm stuck in a hospital bed. I had a party every weekend and know I'm going to talk to doctors everyday. I don't know how I'm going to tell everyone about my condition but I know  it's not going to be easy. I'm not one of those popular girls that's a bitch to everyone, I'm kind to everyone. My boyfriend is going to be more heart broken than everyone else. We're best friends, I know it's such a cliche but we can't help it. I love him, more than the world. The hardest part is going to be saying goodbye, I thought it was hard when my best friend moved to England but this is way harder. His names is Zac, and he's not only the hottest guy I've ever seen but he's one of the nicest people I've ever met. We've been going out since Valentines day, and now I'm not going to live to see another. 

My family are going to be the hardest to say goodbye to. My mum is a world class chef and she owns restaurants all over the globe. My dad is a professional hockey player. My brother, Benny, is only eight years old and already has to say goodbye to his sister. My little sister is ten and is going to grow up just like me and my mum, she's dead gorgeous and I love her to bits.

I'm not sure how actors can act how this feels like. Despite strong tears there's no other way to describe how depressed and blue your mind is. 

 I've decided to start this journal so my life isn't forgotten by my parents, siblings, friends and peers.

Yours for now.

Alyssa xx