Misery (Larry Stylinson AU)

Chapter 25

(Louis's P.O.V)

"Louis," Harry whispered into Louis's mouth softly, like a shushed moan full of lust and hell, it was so damn hot. Louis's hair was messed up and knotted from the violent tugging Harry had done and they were both completely exhausted from engaging in the grueling activity but still wanted more.

Harry finally gave up and collapsed onto the plush mattress, the small bed hardly able to provide enough space for the two of them. Louis had to crawl under Harry's arm and squeeze in as cozy as possible but Harry's feet were still hanging out. Louis played with them using his own feet so they wouldn't get cold.

Speaking of cold, Harry was probably coming down with something because he had a new obsession with sweaters. They were the type of sweaters a grandmother would make you; they were a little itchy but comfy for the most part. Louis liked them a little, because it was nice and warm to cuddle into but he didn't like the fact that Harry was so cold all the time because he claimed he was too freezing to take off even a layer of his clothes.

"Hi," Harry let out an almost giggle which made Louis coo because it was so cute. This was the best kind of intimacy ever; mutual love.

"So how've you been love?" Louis asked, Harry's giddy expression dropping as soon as he said it. Harry seemed to hate talking about it, but Louis always tried to force it out of him.

"Fine," he muttered through clenched teeth.

"D-Did I say something wrong?"

Harry shook his head. "It's just that... I don't want to always talk about stuff like that. We just had a rough snog session and I want to be all cuddly and intimate."

"Talking about things is intimate, no?" Louis shrugged, regretting even asking the question. "I only ask because I care so much about you, darling."

"That's not fair," Harry grumbled, "I'm mad at you and you just have to be so charming and sweet," he pouted playfully, "I can't be mad at you."

"Hey," Louis changed the subject, "can I sleep over... Zayn is going to meet Perrie's parents tonight, we can have some privacy," he said with a wink.

Harry bit his lip when he caught on to what Lou was suggesting. "I have lots of studying to do."

Louis frowned. "You just told me an hour ago that you finished," he said in a monotone.

"I have an exam," Harry lied again.

"I don't like it when you lie to me," Louis climbed out of Harry's arms, fed up with his behavior lately.

"No," Harry sighed, "stay."

Louis rolled his eyes. "Harry why are you acting like this?" he asked bluntly. "You are lying to me. Why?"

"I just... I have plans tonight," Harry said. He hung his head and Louis couldn't see the expression on his face but he wished he could. Louis had the ability to tell whether Harry was lying or not by simple facial expressions.

"You could've said so," Louis said quietly. He was a little offended that Harry would rather do something else than spend the night with him, but he didn't understand why Harry didn't tell him.

"I didn't want to hurt your feelings," Harry said, frowning.

Louis was so very close to cooing over that, because it was so sweet of Harry to say. "Thanks. But lying is never right, don't feel the need to lie to protect my feelings."

Harry smiled. "Love you."

Louis kissed his nose. "Love you too."

*****

Louis fidgeted around while Dr. Rizzo messed with sheets in his folder. He didn't think he needed to go for the session. He thought nothing was up. But he promised Harry that he'd go. He promised Harry that he'd just try to talk to Dr. Rizzo, and breaking a promise with Harry was not something he ever planned on doing.

"So how have things been, Louis?" The doctor asked with his arms crossed, sitting on the loveseat in a comfortable position.

"Absolutely fine," Louis answered, honestly.

"How is your insecurity?"

Louis thought about it for a few minutes before answering. "Fine," he said, "it's not exactly gone but I haven't gotten beaten up or anything. Nothing terrible has happened."

"But it's still there," Dr. Rizzo nodded, "well, as a therapist, I cannot tell you to stop feeling the way you do. That's up to you. Tell me, Louis, do you still go on those forums and torture yourself like you told me last week?"

"No," Louis answered in complete honesty, "I don't."

"How is this bully?"

Louis groaned. "I'm a full grown adult, doc. He isn't a bully. I am not 9 years old and on a playground. But nothing has happened with him lately. He still looks at me weird... But a different weird. Like he knows something I don't kind of weird."

"So he doesn't spit at you or anything?" Dr. Rizzo asked.

"No."

"And how is your boyfriend, Harry?" Dr. Rizzo sprinkled some sugar into his tea and stirred it with a spoon.

"Wonderful!" Louis's face lit up, "He's been clean for a week, and I'm so proud."

"He's been clean for a whole week, and it's his first week?" The therapist asked, something weird about his tone.

"What's wrong with that?" Louis furrowed his eyebrow in confusion.

Dr. Rizzo pressed his lips into a thin line. "Well..." He began, "that's quite unrealistic for a self harmer. But kudos to him," he said awkwardly. "So what's the discussion topic of our session today?"

"Honestly, Harry made me promise I'd come so I did," Louis said.

"So the sole purpose of your recovery is Harry?" Dr. Rizzo asked.

Louis hesitated. "Yes."

"Louis, I'm sorry to say this, but that's not good. You need to see how you can benefit from these therapy sessions. For instance, if you and Harry were to break up-"

"Harry and I are not going to break up!" Louis yelled defensively.

"Buddy, I'm speaking hypothetically. I need you to settle down. I'm saying that you should not only do this for Harry, but also for yourself," Dr. Rizzo explained. "Tell me honestly, when was the last time you patted yourself on the shoulder and said to yourself, 'I am proud to be Louis Tomlinson?' And I don't mean proud of scoring goals. I mean pride in general."

Louis bit his lip. He honestly could not remember a time when he enjoyed being himself. The only time he was glad to be himself was when he was with Harry. Whether they were making love, kissing, cuddling, or just being together, he was glad he was exactly there. "I can't remember," Louis answered honestly.

"I see the problem here, Louis. It's not the gay thing. It's the fact that you lack any sort of self confidence," Dr. Rizzo said, "you need to pat yourself on the back more often. Compliment yourself on the little things you do."

Louis thought about how he could possibly do that. Whatever it was, he was willing to try.

****

Louis walked towards his dorm, running fingers through his hair to keep it from getting frizzy. He needed to start getting some self confidence. He thought of things he could be proud of.

He stopped at a little mirror hanging in the hallway and half smiled at it. I did my hair well today. That counted as a compliment, right?

He saw Josh in the reflection of the mirror talking to Andy, Liam's roommate. Louis wanted to ask Josh what had been up with him lately, and why he suddenly left Louis the hell alone. He stared at the two for a little longer but then they walked away. Louis couldn't help but follow them. He wanted to know what these stuck up bitches talked about all the time. He didn't tailgate them; he stayed far back but still followed them.

Their conversations were nothing but incoherent whispers.

Except, then Louis heard something that made him lunge forward to eavesdrop more. He heard the words "Harry Styles" come out of Josh's mouth.

What?

Talking shit about him was one thing, but talking shit about Harry wasn't acceptable. Louis was determined to find out what Josh was talking about and if necessary, beat the shit out of him.

He followed them all the way to Josh's dorm, the two still completely unaware that he was behind them. They were too engaged in conversation to even turn around. When they walked into the dorm, they left a small crack in the door which was enough for Louis to see through.

"What does Harry Styles look like?" Andy asked.

"Liam is his friend, you should know him? Well he's got this dark brown hair that's curly at the sides but quiff at the top and he's really fit," Josh said, for some reason grabbing onto Andy's shoulders. Louis had no idea where this was going but he wanted to know. Why would Josh be calling a boy, Louis's partner nonetheless, fit?

"What'd he do with your offer?"

"Just didn't show up. I'll get in his pants sometime though, and you can share him," Josh said. In a minute, he was roughly snogging Andy and his hand was down Andy's pants.

Harry wasn't lying about that. That's probably why Josh was looking weirdly at Louis is the hall and not beating him up. Josh had some gay in him, and it was all internalized homophobia. But how dare they disrespect Louis and Harry's relationship? How dare they do that? Louis was enraged and he couldn't help himself anymore. He kicked open the door.

"You are a disgrace to humanity, Joshua Devine," he scowled, "you call me a faggot, you made me hate myself, you bullied me ever since I came out and here you are having sex with a boy."

Josh looked terrified. "What are you doing here, Tomlinson?"

"That's none of your concern. But you dare disrespect my committed relationship with Harry like that? You freaking dare lay a finger on him and you're dead," Louis threatened, grabbing Josh by the collar of his shirt and slamming him into the wall.

"Louis I'm sorry," Josh shrunk under the pressure of Louis's fist and squirmed, "I'm really genuinely sorry."

Louis released him suddenly, his bony body dropping onto the wooden floor with a loud thud. "If you abuse anyone again I will kill you," Louis threw a pillow from the bed against Josh's face.

As he turned around, Josh said one last thing. "Louis, I'm not ready to come out. Please don't tell anyone."

That only infuriated Louis even more. He wanted to take Josh and slam him into the wall. "After how much you've made me suffer, you think you can ask a favor from me?"

"I promise I won't hurt you anymore," Josh said with a shrug.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now? Of course you won't be hurting me. If you put a finger on me I will break all of your bones," Louis felt like spitting right on his face, "don't screw with Harry." He turned around and headed for the door.

"Louis, please, I can't come out yet!"

Louis felt an odd stinging sensation in his gut. He remembered all the terrible events that occurred after coming out. People didn't look at him the same way they used to, not even his old friends. Stan abandoned him. He couldn't make another individual suffer like that. But it made him angry, because Josh sure as hell deserved it. Louis decided he'd think about it for a bit longer.

*****************

Louis knocked on Harry's door, and when Harry didn't open it, he walked in by himself. The television was running, and Harry was asleep in his bed. Louis smiled to himself at how Harry had forgotten to do his quiff and gel his hair. He had a sort of fringe, and it looked so cute on him. Louis turned the T.V. off and sat beside Harry's bed, leaning over to kiss Harry's temple.

Harry squirmed. "Lou?"

"Sorry..." Louis pouted, "I didn't know that was going to wake you up."

"I'm not a heavy sleeper," Harry shrugged.

"I know, I know... Sorry," Louis kissed him again. "Eww, smelly breath!" He teased.

"Shu'up, I just woke up, you tosser," Harry playfully shoved Louis, "so why're you here anyway?"

"I'm sort of in a bad mood and I thought your horribly corny jokes could cheer me up," Louis laughed, climbing onto Harry's lap.

"My jokes are not horrible!" Harry whined, pouting. He poked Louis in the stomach playfully. "What's got you in a bad mood?"

Louis wanted to talk about Josh and how conflicted he felt over knowing what he knew. He knew he could trust Harry. He knew that Harry deserved to know but he would feel guilty for spilling Josh's secret. "I can't really say," Louis said, truthfully.

"Why not? You know you can trust me, right?" Harry's cute little face and smile were so enticing and Louis was so close to spilling the beans right there.

"Let's just say I accidentally got myself into someone else's problem, and it's not my place to talk about them, but I feel really conflicted," Louis bit his lip nervously because he thought he'd accidentally say a name or give an obvious detail.

"I understand," Harry stuck his fingers into Louis's hair and play around with the little stringy bits. His long thumbs rubbed nonsensical patterns on Louis temples, which relieved the headache he had by a ton. "What does the mummy buffalo say to her kid when he leaves for school?"

"Oh gosh," Louis rolled his eyes.

"Bison!" Harry snorted, laughing so hard that crinkles formed by his eyes and his dimples so deep that you could take shots out of them. Louis laughed, not only at the joke but at the ridiculousness of Harry too. Harry leaned in to kiss him but Louis blocked his mouth.

"Brush your teeth you filthy mutt," Louis winked.

"Well it's a scientific fact that dogs have cleaner teeth than humans but they don't brush so your statement is used improperly." Louis chuckled at Harry's dramatic little snap at the end and watched as he crawled out from under the covers.

He had on a jumper and a few bumpy things under his sleeves which Louis figured were bracelets. Harry never wore bracelets before, so that was odd. The first thing most people would associate that with would be self harm but Louis knew Harry would've told him and also that Harry didn't do it on his arms. "Did you sleep in that? Aren't you boiling?" Louis asked.

Harry let out the weirdest, most fake laugh Louis had ever heard. "I'm actually quite cold."

Harry had been saying that a lot lately. "D'you have a fever? You've been cold a lot lately."

"Louis," Harry sighed, "what are you suggesting?"

"That you're sick?" Louis furrowed an eyebrow in confusion. "Why're you getting so worked up over nothing? All I asked was if you have a fever."

Harry pursed his lips. "Oh. Ok. I don't think I do... You wanna check?"

"Are you okay, Harry?" Louis asked, "You've been acting different this past week."

"Why do you always accuse me of things?" Harry set down his toothbrush, getting defensive.

"You have been getting defensive and snapping at me really quickly, exhibit A, thank you very much Harry," Louis couldn't keep the snarky comment in.

"What the hell, Louis?" Harry yelled, his raspy tone fueled completely by anger, "Throwing all these false accusations at me, and you say I'm 'snapping' when I'm defending myself? It's natural reaction!"

"What the hell am I accusing you of?" Louis yelled back.

"I don't know, but you're suggesting something, don't lie!" Harry's voice was raised even more, and it actually scared Louis and made him want to cry. He never wanted to fight like this with Harry again.

"I'm not suggesting a damn thing, I'm simply saying your behavior has been abnormal for you lately and as your fucking boyfriend I want to make sure you're okay!" Louis exhaled heavily, lowering his tone. "I love you and I worry about you every second of the day."

"Self harming freaky deaky can't care for himself although he's almost twenty," Harry muttered.

That stung Louis so much. That one little comment made every ounce of happiness Louis contained crash down. Harry just couldn't appreciate that he was getting help. Harry didn't see what Louis intended to do. Louis wanted to pin Harry against the wall and scream in his face how much he loved him and how unhealthy self harm was.

The terrible feeling Louis felt turned into silent tears that Harry couldn't see because he wasn't facing him. Louis buried his whole face into his knees, sniffling and sobbing as quiet as he could so Harry wouldn't hear. He got Kleenex from Zayn's night stand and blew his nose and wiped his eyes. He looked at the little reflection in the tiny mirror to assure himself that it didn't look like he had just cried for five straight, silent minutes.

He knew he had to apologize to Harry and tell him that's not what he meant. He shouldn't have brought anything up, and that was entirely Louis's fault. "Harry, I'm sorry," Louis sighed, walking up to him and gently touching his shoulders. "I love you."

When the "I love you too" didn't come out of his mouth, Louis felt horribly concerned about him. He didn't say anything because he didn't want to encounter a defensive Harry at the moment.

He placed his palm against Harry's jaw to turn his face around and kiss him. But when he turned Harry's face around, all he saw were bloodshot eyes and tears down his face. "Hey! Don't cry," Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's torso and squeezed as hard as he could.

"I don't want you to leave me," Harry cried, "I never want to fight like that again. I never want you to go."

"Harry, all couples fight," Louis said, "it's the sad truth."

"I don't want to fight with you," Harry sighed, "whenever I fight with my boyfriends I always get scared that we'll break up. I don't want to break up with you."

"Harry, I'm sorry to say it but chances are we'll fight like that again," Louis kissed both of his cheeks, "but don't let it bother you. You can't let it bother you."

"Do people just stop loving each other?"

Louis sighed. "I don't know. But don't think like that about us, Harry. We love each other and we're both recovering from something tough with each other. Think about that."

"Okay," Harry sighed, hugging Louis twice as hard. "I'm a shit boyfriend, Louis. I'm not helping you at all."

"But you don't know how much you are helping me, Harry," Louis shook his head. "You make me happy, and you make me feel good with all these compliments you give me for no reason. You do help. Not to mention you found me a therapist who has been helping me out."

"I want to help you more, though," Harry smiled, "I'm going to drive you to your therapy session next week and every week after that and get more involved with you."

"I love you so much," Louis laughed, kissing Harry's lips which tasted like mint from the toothpaste he'd been using.

"I love you too," Harry said. Louis was still unconvinced that he was okay. The tone in which he said "I love you" was too monotonous, because whenever Harry said those three words, he was usually giddy and bubbling with excitement.

"What is it, Harry?" Louis asked. Harry turned around, but didn't meet his eye.

"I'm a screw up," he began tearing up again.

"Stop saying that," Louis laced his fingers through Harry's.

"I failed you," Harry sobbed, "I'm a shit boyfriend. I don't deserve you!"

"Harry what the hell are you talking about?" Louis was mentally biting his nails. It sounded like Harry had cheated on him or something. He couldn't think about that. That would break his heart so much that he'd never get over it.

"I did it," Harry still couldn't meet Louis's eyes.

"You did what? Harry tell me!" Louis was about to cry himself.

Harry rolled up his sleeves and took off his bracelets. At that point, Louis was crying harder than Harry was. There were fresh, deep cuts on the sides of Harry's wrists, both of them. He wasn't mad at Harry for cutting, he knew that addictions took forever to beat. He was upset because Harry didn't trust him enough to tell him that.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Louis wiped his eyes. "I trusted you Harry. I trusted you to tell me when you hurt yourself!"

"I couldn't, Louis!" Harry yelled.

"How am I ever supposed to do anything without worrying about you hurting yourself? How am I supposed to just leave you alone now without being worried sick?" Louis asked.

"I'm sorry, Louis. I'm sorry," Harry cried, "I couldn't bring myself to tell you."

"Why the fuck not?" Louis asked.

"Because I couldn't. I wanted to, Louis, everyday I thought of it but I was scared," Harry wiped his eyes, "I felt so damn guilty. I failed you. I was scared you'd be furious that I cut... And I was so disappointed in myself that I did it when I promised you that I wouldn't.."

Louis felt his anger being replaced with guilt. "Harry... Never be scared of that. I know how hard it is to stop an addiction. I know it. I've had substance abusing friends in the past and I know, Harry." Louis kissed the knuckles of Harry's hand. "I will never be mad at you."

"I was scared you'd leave me because I didn't stop," Harry made fists in Louis's shirt and continued bawling.

"Why do you always paint me as this horrible, ignorant person? I'm not leaving you. I'm not going anywhere. I love you no matter what. I love you unconditionally."

"There's no such thing as unconditional love," Harry sighed.

"But there is, baby, and I'm going to make you realize it."

"Can I tell you something?" Harry asked, "This entire week I only cut three times. I usually do it three times a day."

Louis's face lit up. "I'm so proud of you! I'm so happy for you, babe. And you can only get better."

"Thanks," Harry kissed his cheeks, "I love you."

"I'm so proud of you... You know what? I'm so proud that I'm gonna make love to you tonight," Louis whispered hotly in Harry's ear, which made Harry smile so wide his face split in half.


Soz for the late update! Haha.

GUESS WHO WENT TO AN ED SHEERAN CONCERT!

THIS CHICA.

Anyway what are your opinions? How do you feel about this chapter?