Genderfluid

Gender Stuff

You know how I mentioned early I wasn't out to my friends who call me their son/mom? Yeah. I kind of came out to the one who calls me son, but not really?

Okay okay okay, that makes no sense. I'm going to assign some quick names here.

Apple- Calls me his son.

Lilith (wow demon name)- says she's my adopted child

Carla- Where do I even begin? She calls me her mom, wife, and something else I won't mention here, but you can probably figure it out. Think paternal names. (that whole thing started as a joke and everyone just kind of went with it? Then there was the lap incide- moving on...)

Spen- Calls me mom as well

SO I'm in a really bizarre group chat with these guys. Stephanie is in it as well, I've mentioned her in past chapters. She's the one with a Jesus Cheerleader for a mother. I think she's the step-dad to the kids? I don't know, she isn't online much. We all have assigned familial roles, and act as each other's families. It's really great for those of us who don't exactly have the best relationship with the family we live with. We've become a lot like an actual family in some ways, it's truly amazing.

So, out of all of them, I talk to Apple the most. We talk regularly in private messaging, and we have 4 group chats with each other and other people (3 aren't used regularly). He already knows I'm somewhere in the LGBTQ+ community, because we've talked about a girl I was interested in. I think he thinks I'm lesbian, but I can't be sure because he knows I've dated guys in the past (and obviously lesbians can have boy exes, but I don't know what he assumes). I've never bothered to tell him exactly what my sexual/romantic orientations are, as I've never really felt the need.

So, as tends to happen with group chats, I was offline for about half an hour one day, and when I came back there were a ton of messages. About me. Basically, Apple had come to the realization that I have both a feminine and masculine family role. He had pointed it out and they all started arguing over how it was possible and what that meant my gender was. Apple messaged me directly asking what I thought, but shit had already gone down by the time I checked my messages. It was really funny, to be honest.

So, in response to his message, I said I was genderfluid, which was why I had both feminine and masculine roles. He actually knew what it was, though he didn't know what it was called. But, he thinks I mean it solely for the purpose of our little family. Which is fine by me, I'll fully come out at a later time. Baby steps.

So, yeah. That's the main gender thing that happened this week. I've been switching between genders like crazy, and I'm starting to get uncomfortable. One second I want to chop my hair off, the next I'm putting effort into makeup, then I'm trying to bind, and the weird gender disaster just goes on and on again.

Which reminds me, I'm thinking of changing my neutral name. Or, I guess my name in general. I've been feeling agender more than anything for a while. As you know, during agender and adrogyne times, I go by MK. And that was fine for a while, because when I decided that I didn't spend a lot of time feeling 'gray'. But now that I am a lot, I'm realizing I'm not sure about the name. I chose it because it was a nickname my friend called me, and it seemed gender neutral enough. But now I don't know. I like my feminine and masculine names, but I'm wondering if I should just pick one gender neutral name and go by it all the time, to make things easier. I think it might help cut back on dysphoria brought on by being called the wrong name.

I haven't really decided yet, because as I said, I do like M and T. I don't really care that they sound nothing alike (stop telling people their names have to be similar, society). But yeah, I'll keep you posted.

I kinda want people to default to masculine or gender neutral pronouns with me. I don't know why. Maybe it would counter-balance people automatically assuming feminine pronouns with me. But then there's the issue of what happens when I do identify as a girl and... this whole thing is just one giant mess.

I feel bad.

-asdfghjkl (my life is a mess, as is my gender).

No, that can't be my sign off.

What do I feel like?

I feel tired, mostly. Not that that's unusual. Also, my eyes hurt and I want cheese-sticks. I don't even like cheese. Well, I like cheese. But not melted by itself, and not super cold. Cheese is a weird thing. I don't want cheese-sticks anymore, I don't even like them.

A cheese bagel, though? Yes. (I've stabbed myself at least twice while making bagels why am I still allowed to eat bagels?)

Why am I typing my incoherent thoughts?

I need help, that's why.

-T (...maybe)(somewhat masculine? I want to bind but I mean that could also just mean........... you know what screw this I'm tired.)