Most of these are attributed to Jeff Foxworthy :
You might be a redneck if :
You believe you got a set of matched luggage if
you have two shopping bags from the same store.
You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi.
You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs.
You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.
You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company
Your state's got a new law that says
when a couple get divorced,
they are still legally brother and sister.
Your house still has the
sign on the back.
You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
Your sister is the third generation
of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
If you can burp
and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck.
You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You hooked up with your present girlfriend
as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.
The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist.
You think a quarter horse is
a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
You think safe sex is a padded headboard.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think there's nothin wrong with incest
as long as you keep it in the family.
You may be a Redneck if ...
You and your dog use the same tree.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner.
You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.
You've got more than
one brother named 'Darryl'.
You think the OJ Trial was a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
THE TOP COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS THIS WEEK
7. I Never Went To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
6. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
5. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win.
4. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
You were acquitted for murdering
your first wife after she threw
out your Elvis 8-tracks.
You think watching professional
wrestling is foreplay.
The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors
Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed.
Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow.
But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
You've ever had to scratch your sisters
name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."
You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took
Your whole family is Democrats
'cept little Mary.
She lernt how to read.
You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
Think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.