Royally Screwed

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Prince Rex, son to Queen Taena and heir to the throne of Kelgrond, hated to fight. The dwarf wasn't made for combat. He was beautiful, and adored by all the women in his kingdom, but Rex hadn't lifted a weapon in twenty years, other than for ceremonial purposes. When it came to military strategy, however, Rex had no equal in the dwarven kingdom and therefore on all of Asa-thor. Seeing as how dwarves were the best warriors on the planet, it stands to reason that their best military mind was the best military mind. When there was a battle to be waged in Kelgrond, the Royal Army always sought out Prince Rex for his brilliant tactical ideas.

This fact made the Queen so proud. Her only son was well loved by everyone, and would be a marvelous king one day, when she either died of old age or decided to step down. But neither of those were likely to happen anytime soon, so Taena did not think too much on the subject. Mostly, she thought of finding Rex a wife. The first rule of being royalty was to secure the line. She had an heir, and she needed to make sure that he had one as well. One day, it would be up to Rex to find an heir to his son or daughter. It was how things worked when you ruled a kingdom. The small matters of governance could be handled by the myriad advisors and consultants. But the royal bloodline was her dominion, and the Queen took the subject very seriously.

Years before, when she had first suspected Rex was into other males, Taena had worried over the implications. If he would not fuck a female and get her with child, how could they secure their eternal reign? What would happen to their lineage? So, the Queen had met with her only son and discussed how things would have to be.

"Ye can lay around with other males all you want," Queen Taena had told her son back then. "No one on Asa-thor cares one shite where you place your royal scepter. But we need another heir. Yer gonna have ta marry, so that the child will be legitimate, and yer gonna have ta fuck that wife and give her a child. Ye'll fuck her as many times as it takes, Rex, don't ye doubt. By the ancestors and the Gods that keep them, you have to produce an heir."

"Aye, I understand me duty, Queen Mother," Rex had said. "I will never dishonor ye, or yer commands. I will do everything ye ask of me." The gleaming locks of his golden hair and beard had been tied up in braids that day. Taena remembered because it was so unlike Rex to do that.

Now,  many years later, Rex had yet to marry and produce an heir. Taena was once again growing worried about their lineage. Over the past two weeks, the Queen had met with her son every single day. She had told him time and time again what must be done.

"Queen Mother, me story has not changed. I will marry and I will provide an heir. But I am only 113 years old! I have, at the very least, another 50 years before this issue becomes critical."

"NO!" Taena's voice boomed in answering. "Ye never know what will happen in the future, Rex. Ye must take action now before the uncertainty of the future does so for us. Our royal bloodline must not be left ta chance."

The Prince knelt before his mother and begged forgiveness. "I'm sorry, Mother. I know that ye worry, but... I love someone, a brave and loving dwarf. It is too difficult for me to think o' leaving him or hurting him by marrying another. I was hoping ta put it off for as long as possible, but I see that is no' an option. I will do as ye say. Bring me a bride and, whomever ye choose, I will marry her. She will give us another heir, this I swear to ye."

The Queen nodded to her only son, glad he had finally come to his senses. Of course, Taena had already selected a bride, as she was not one to take chances. Rex had waited too long, and so his mother had done the choosing for her son. As a backup plan, because you never knew what uncertainty the future would hold, Queen Taena had sent out a small group of seekers; the best dwarves in the land at finding someone who didn't want to be found. Their mission was secret, and not even they were told who it was they sought. The ten seekers only had an expertly drawn illustration of a very handsome dwarf with a full, black beard. Queen Taena had hand-picked these seekers, making sure they were all too young to remember a certain champion of the Royal Gladiator Arena in Kelgrond Cenral; a dwarf known to carry an axe and a shield... a dwarf known as The Terror. She had told no one else about the seekers' mission. Taena liked to cover all bases, just in case. The tough dwarf would probably never be needed, but the Queen now realized that publicly shunning him may have been a bad decision, after all. At the time it had seemed her only option, but Taena was smart enough to admit to her mistakes. She only hoped, in this instance, she would never be forced to do so.

A short while later, Prince Rex sat in his private wing of the palace, drinking from a wooden mug. Ale frothed on his golden beard, and his unfocused eyes spun dizzily. The large cask had been full only an hour before but now was drained completely. The doors to his chambers creaked open, and a burly figure stole into the room. He smelled of manual labor and wore as much dirt as he did clothes, typical of a common working class dwarf. There was an array of mining tools strapped to the tough bastard's waist and back. His muscles were pressed against the light clothing he wore, to the point of almost bursting. As this intruder stepped towards the drunken Prince of Kelgrond, he removed something from a pouch at his belt. Inching closer and closer to Rex, the filthy dwarf showed his teeth in a mysterious smile, his pearly whites shining brightly against the smudges on that dirt covered face. The fellow now stood just behind the inebriated heir to the throne, and brought the item in his hand around, as quick as he could, stopping just in from of Rex's wobbly eyes.

"I got ye a diamond, love," Guzzy purred.

Rex jumped out of his chair in fright, holding a hand to his heart and another to his weaponless belt. "For fucks sake Guz, I've told ye no' to frighten me so! Yer gonna get royally executed one fine day, don't ye doubt. Damn ye!" Rex said, pulling the grimy miner into a warm embrace, punctuated with some tender kisses.

"Ye know I can't stop. Yer too fuckin' cute when ye jump up like a wee child," Guzzy admitted, chuckling away. "But I did find this diamond today. I stole it for ye."

"Love, I am the Prince. Ye don't have ta risk goin' ta jail just ta give me a diamond. I can buy all the diamonds I want, ye fool," Rex said in exasperation. No matter how often he told his lover this, Guzzy never listened.

"But if ye bought it, then it wouldn't be from me, then, would it? I dug this one out of the rock, deep below us, even now as we stand far beneath the surface. This one diamond is for ye, from me heart."

Rex took the offered gemstone. It was magnificent, and would have cost a fortune from a gem dealer. Guzzy would face serious jail time if caught stealing something of this much value. "Thank ye, me love. But please, do no' steal again. I can no' face the thought of ye locked away. I need ye, now more than ever."

"The meeting with yer Ma' did no' go so weel, then," Guz guessed.

"Hardly. She's forced me hand, Guzzy. I'm ta marry a female. Soon," the Prince admitted with a sigh. "I dun want ta fuck a lady. That's disgusting, that is."

"Rex, we both know that ye have ta do as she says. It's no' that bad. Ye do yer duty in the royal bed, then do me booty with yer royal head. We all win, love," Guz said with a wink and a rumbling chuckle.

"Very romantic," Rex cooed, and then pushed Guz in the chest lightly. "Now, what say we have some more ale and see where the night takes us."

"Nay, lad. Yer too much in yer cups as it is. Ye'll never be able to hoist the main sail. Why don't ye go have a rest. I'll let ye sleep and come see ye on the morrow. Is that okay with yer royal drunkeness?"

Prince Rex nodded. He did feel too drunk for anything else other than sleep. He kissed his lover goodnight, and wandered over to his massive bed, big enough for 30 dwarves to sleep in without touching. Rex crawled into the very center, his favorite place to sleep, and dropped off into a deep, ale induced slumber. His last thoughts before unconsciousness were about strategy. How could he organize the pieces of this game to his advantage? How could he escape this destiny that his mother was forcing on him?

"There... has.. ta be... another way," he whispered as sleep took him.

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