like real people do | c.g [#wattys2019]

H O W

ONE WEEK LATER

The past few days have been filled with a lot of resting, ice packs, and assuring people I'm fine. Which I guess I am, physically at least. Mentally, I'm not so sure. Along with the resting came thinking, and with that came overthinking. I've been thinking about what was going through my mind after we got here a lot, and I'm even more confused.

I don't know what I want. For the first time ever, I'm pretty sure, I have no idea what I want. I've always been quite sure of what I wanted, be it leaving the CDC, wanting to learn how to shoot, wanting to survive. Wanting to find Carl after the prison fell, wanting to find a safe haven, wanting to stay and fight for Alexandria, wanting to befriend Enid... Later on, not wanting to befriend Enid, and then deciding to get to know her again.

But now, I have no idea what I want to do. I don't want to keep fighting, I don't want to keep being angry all the time, I don't want to see the people around me always getting hurt, always dying.

But I also don't know if I completely want to leave behind everyone I love, everyone I care about. My family. Because that's what these people are, they're family. I'm closer to some rather than others, but I care about all of them, and I don't want to lose them.

I don't think I want to die. It's always been one of my biggest fears, and I've always ran from death, no matter the consequences. I've caused people I care about to die, even my own mother, and I don't know if I can live with that guilt. But, deciding not to keep going, that thought also brings guilt into my already confused array of emotions.

I know there's people who care about me, just like I care about them. Maybe, it'd be easier if they weren't there. Leaving Carl, Enid, Glenn, Maggie, Rosita, Daryl, this whole group... I don't think I could. I don't think I want to.

I just want it all to stop. The walkers, the people, everything. All of the pain and all of the suffering, all of the grief and mourning, it just has to stop. No one deserves this much terribleness in their lives, especially the people around me.

I don't want to hurt them, but if I don't, I'll just keep hurting myself. All I've done is put myself second. It's been a very long while since I've done something for me, not thinking of the consequences. Mainly because last time I did that, people ended up dead.

But, at the same time, I don't want to be the cause of anymore pain. Not to the people I love. Not to Carl.

My mind is just constantly in a battle with itself, and I don't know what to make of things. That's why I've periodically tried to shut off my brain for a while. And the way I've done that is by trying to sleep all the time. Key word, trying. Carl still keeps taking some time to just lay down and think, but since what I'm trying to do is stop thinking, I try to sleep. It comes in handy, too, because I haven't really been sleeping much.

I haven't really managed to catch up on all of the sleep I've been missing, but it helps. It's quite easy to drift off like that, too. Carl wraps his arms around me, I have my head on his chest, and I fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating and him running his hands down my hair. I just don't understand why I can't do the same at night, but I think the night's always been scarier either way. It's when you can be left alone with your thoughts, when it's too dark to see, to protect yourself.