Gemstone Reviews [Closed for Catch up]

Review #20-Talking To The Moon

The rest of the blurb expands on the character and raises the conflict question, but I feel like something is missing. After "Besides her family, Ayah has no one that she can call her own," the next sentence seems disjointed because it talks about something unrelated to the fact that she is pretty much ostracised from her society. So I think you should move the sentence I mentioned above, to the previous paragraph, "Dumb, mute, an evil with no tongue[...]" and then open the new paragraph with. "From the age of two[...]" this makes it clear that you're introducing a new idea. 

The previous sentence, "From the age of two, Ayah has felt a strange hypnotic friendship with the Moon" is awkwardly worded—I don't see how a friendship can be hypnotic. Maybe she felt drawn to the moon, to its silvery rays, to its ominous beauty. What's so special about the moon? When she's feeling down, does she climb onto the roof of her mud hut and gaze at the moon? These are all details you should include, which act as evidence to support the statement. 

Then, "She feels that there is someone out there who gives her strength and will to face the struggle that life has offered her. She knows she has a role to play and she wants to be prepared for it when the time comes." Once again, these are two unrelated ideas. You have to make sure each sentence can be linked to the last—just then you were talking about the moon, but now you switched to "someone out there". I thought the moon was what gave her strength, and something tells her that life is more that what lies within her small village—there's an entire world out there waiting for her to explore it. 

The final sentences, "A chance encounter with a stranger in the stables might just be the key that can change her life completely. Is Ayah Beizeen ready for this change?" Again, because the last sentence of the previous paragraph doesn't have anything that relates to this, it comes across as a little abrupt.

Overall— What you have right now is the bare bones of the blurb. Think of it as a river, each sentence is a wave, which is tied to the previous one and the next; there's no way that they can be disjointed. 

Now, for the story!

First Impression:

I really liked this! You introduced the protagonist and her family, the setting (kind of), and also had some action going to spice things up. Ayah, despite being relatively young, is already very mature and responsible—she seems to have her head in the clouds sometimes, but maybe it's only cause she sat under the sun for too long. The dialogue was great, especially the banter between her mother and father—it was funny to read, and it warmed my heart. The two seem to contrast one another personality-wise, but opposites attract, am I right? I also adored Ayah's baby brother. I'm pretty sure he was bawling to get his older sister's attention because he seemed to behave relatively calmly throughout the ensuing dramatic scene. The part where Ayah kind of behaved like the "horse whisperer" was also lovely, as was the one where her father joked around with her. I'm a sucker for these kind of relationships. 

Overall, I did feel like there could've been a lot more development. A lot of things which were only briefly mentioned should've been expanded upon. I'll make a detailed list of them:

1. Setting—From the image, I understand that the village is located in some sort of desert, with the housing made out of the caked mud. But removing the imagery, there is a sentence that says,"Little beads of sweat had appeared on my forehead, but I was used to the heat now, every night my family went to sleep after a prayer to God to give us rain." Nowhere is it mentioned that they live in a desert and that it doesn't rain. It could literally just be a hot day. So there's kind of a contradiction there.

That's as far as the description goes, tbh. I don't know much more about their culture, customs, transportation methods...in fact, there were other inconsistencies in that information. For example, Ayah talked about her baby brother sleeping in between two pillows, yet, earlier, she said that they were very poor. What would they make the pillows from? Geese don't live in the desert. I also don't know how they can own a stove—I would've expected them to be relatively primitive with their cooking methods. Then again, the time period isn't made clear in the story. 

2. I would've liked to have seen more about Ayah's mistreatment in the narration. It contradicted the ideas in the blurb when I read, "Even though we were poor, we lived a peaceful and happy life." Wasn't Ayah supposed to be considered some sort of demon spawn because of her disability? Also, the "mistreatment" of the villagers seems to only go as far as not being invited to a party, no big deal. I would've expected her family to kind of be shunned by the community.

3. You do kind of go into Ayah's dreams and aspirations (she wants to get married out of love, wishes she wasn't so poor, etc.) but I think you could've done even more. Like when her father was brought home bloodied, Ayah should've had a stronger reaction to that. I mean, he is the provider of the family—if something were to happen to him, they would all be fucked.

4. Which brings me to this point—the scene should've been more dramatic. I felt like it was a little rushed and lacked important sensory detail. I know everyone had to move quickly to help her father, but there was no emotion only movement. I didn't feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins as I read this part. 

5. It needs to be made clear from the beginning that Ayah doesn't have a tongue (or her voice?), and I need you to show me how she struggles with this. Just because she doesn't talk in the first chapter doesn't mean that she doesn't have a tongue, you know what I mean?

Beyond that, there are also come structural issues I felt that needed to be pointed out:

1. There were a lot of sentences that contained the same issues I talked about with the blurb—the transitions between differing ideas isn't the best. This makes the sentences appear disjointed not only between on another but also within themselves.

2. A couple of run-on sentences which would benefit from full-stops.

e.g.1. "I heard my mother yell and I hurried downstairs almost tripping, our house was small with two rooms [...]" The sentence should've ended after 'yell' and a semicolon should've followed 'tripping'.

e.g.2. "My father would say laughing as he would kiss his wife on the forehead while my mother would push and storm inside the kitchen to give them food." This sentence makes me think that Ayah's mother and her father's wife are two different people.

3. General typos, mostly where there were words missing. 

Writing Style:

A lot of grammatical and punctuational errors (this was the biggest thing I noticed), which often made the writing choppy/caused a misinterpretation of events. For example, "[...] my mother was already crouched near the stove, mixing the lentil soup with one hand." I'm pretty sure you meant that she was using a stick or a spoon to mix the soup—I doubt she would be doing it with her bare hands. Make sure you read over this carefully or get an editor to check the grammar for you. Sentences were varied but often lacked punctuation, resulting in run-ons. The vocabulary was normal, but I felt like more figurative language should be used to help describe the scenery and help with the characterisation. 

All in all, these weren't that big of an issue—you have a strong plotline, it just needs some more development. 

Characters:

Ayah—The protagonist. She's a mute but it's unclear whether she was born this way (not a reference to Gaga, I swear), or if its a result of a disease or something. She seems to get by just fine, though, and never seems to complain. I grew to like her just through two chapters—Ayah is so lovely, both inside and out. 

Her mother—She's a matriarch. Runs the household and her three children, and doesn't hesitate to take charge in a dramatic situation. Everybody has to pull their weight, even the four-month-old baby.

Her father—He's hilarious, and the complete opposite to his wife. He's like the glass-half-full type of guy—maybe he wooed the woman of his dreams with his optimism and dad-jokes. Accident-prone.

Baby brother—I want to pinch his chubby cheeks.

Asad—The other, not as cute and chubby brother. 

Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 6.5

I gave you an extra half-point because I felt like it was too good for a six, and was merely a breath away from a seven. (A/N: Will half-points be a thing now? Who knows) I really like the story so far, there's just a lot of work that needs to be done to make this smashing. By adding more color and depth to your writing, you can make this story reach its full potential. 

Good luck!