4am (Phan Oneshot)

4am (phan)

Everyone was always so boring. I never met anyone who could love, smile or laugh like you. No one did anything interesting. Nothing to make them individual. But you did. You held the starry night in your eyes, which lit up when you smiled. You were always so passionate about the things you loved. It was like looking a child at Christmas all day, everyday. You always seemed so happy.

But then she was gone.

You were distraught. There was no longer a light behind your eyes like always. But despite how washed up and lifeless you felt, I couldn't help but be glad she was gone. I didn't like the way she treated you, she wasnt the one.

I was.

It wasn't my intention to fall in love with you, but when we stayed up that one night two years ago with just your galaxy night light projecting stars across the walls and ceiling, laughing way to hard at anything and everything but trying to keep quiet so we didn't disturb the neighbours at 4am, I knew I was fucked when I saw the brushstrokes in your eyes.

Then it happened.

Three days after she left, you kissed me. At 4am. You had been crying. I'd stayed up with you to make sure you were okay. You were almost asleep when you placed your lips upon my own.

We got together the same night.

We dated for a good while, but I never seemed to make you as happy as she did. The light was back but not as much. Your eyes no longer smiled when your mouth did. Your eyes never crinkled at the corners the way they used to. You never miscellaneusly sang around the house the way you used to on a morning. I had always thought that was annoying, but now I'd give anything to hear that offkey voice one more time.

I knew I wasnt as good as her but I tried.

I always tried to make you laugh, tried to look good for you, tried to listen to you when you needed to vent and I tried to not complain about my own problems as much. I didnt want to unnecessrily bring your mood down further.

I knew you still missed her.

True love never dies. Even if it was your first relationship in your teen yesrs, when you're older and married with a family and a job, maybe even retired, their name, their absence, it still pulls at your heartstrings. You may not feel it as much anymore, but it is still there deep down.

Then the night came.

I heard a hiss come from your en suite as i was sleeping in your bed.

It was 4am.

I knocked on the door.

Nothing.

I tried the door.

Locked.

I knocked down the door and saw you lying there. Your angelic face holding a pained look, despite you being unconcious. Your shirt clung to your body, damp from all the blood.

Oh god.

The blood.

It took weeks to get off the floor. There are still stains but i dont want to get it re layed. It reminds me of you, helps me believe that youre still here.

I know you're gone.

But it's still nice to pretend, even if it is just for a little while.

I know it sounds sad but you were all I had. Now you're gone. I feel like part of me is missing. You made me feel passionately about things too. The way you talked about everything made it sound like it was worth spending time on. We had such big ambitions together, and we acted on them. We started YouTube, built up a massive audience of fans, got a radioshow, wrote a book. We had achived everything on our list apart from one thing.

For you to be happy again..

It never got ticked off the list..

I can't tick it off can I?

I guess you wanted to be away from this world. You got what you wanted. I guess if you could feel still you would be feeling pretty happy.

But I cant bring myself to do it.

It was 4am. It was our thing that we did together. It felt wrong even looking at it without you here. So I will leave it. That plain white empty box staring right back at me, the only unticked box.

What can i say?

I guess we almost made it, phil.

-Dan