Sloppy Seconds: The Tucker Max Leftovers

Junior's Marriage

Occurred, December 2001

And then there’s this story. As you read this, you’re going to think, “this can’t be real.” You’re going to think that there is no fucking way this could happen. I agree. Had I not been there when he got back to my place, seen the evidence on his sweater, and then seen the article in the paper a few days later, I’d have trouble believing this too. But what can I say? Real life is stranger than fiction.

When I moved to Boca Raton after law school, I lived in Mizner Park, right above my dad’s restaurant. I had a two-bedroom apartment, and coincidentally, Junior was looking for a place to live. Perfect situation: I get to live with my best friend; he gets a nice place that he couldn’t get otherwise because his credit is worse than Lenny Dykstra’s.

Nothing comes without a price, not even living in a sweet apartment with your best friend. As we were figuring out the apartment details, we had this conversation:

Junior “OK, but just so you know my girlfriend is going to be spending a lot of time over here.”

Tucker “Well, you’re dating her, I’d expect that I guess.”

Junior “I mean . . . a LOT of time.”

Tucker “Motherfucker — do not fuck with me. You know I will set that bitch on fire and throw her off the balcony.”

Junior “Dude . . . she is my girlfriend.”

Tucker “You know me . . .”

Junior “I’m dating her . . .”

Tucker “Bitches ain’t shit!”

Junior “Well . . . we’re engaged.”

Tucker “Why . . . when . . . what is wrong with you?? You fucking asshole. The only way I’d let her live here is if you are paying DOUBLE rent.”

Junior “Done!”

Tucker “FUCK!”

Let me explain. At the time, Junior was dating/engaged to a woman named DemonWhore. Her name was not actually DemonWhore, that’s just what it should have been if her parents had been responsible citi- zens. In my humble opinion, DemonWhore was the most vile she-devil cunt in the history of women. I fucking HATED everything about this bitch. You may think I’m being harsh. You are wrong. Imagine the worst woman you’ve ever known; DemonWhore is worse. I could go on and on about what a horrible piece of shit DemonWhore was. A perfect example of the type of person she is: DemonWhore was like 39 at the time (Junior was 26, I think) and had a 19 year old daughter who was a homeless crack addict, literally sucking dick on the street for rock. And DemonWhore is such a horrifically selfish human being that she refused to help her out in any way. DemonWhore is probably the most classic case of Borderline Personality Disorder I’ve ever actually met in person. [BPD is what Hitler and Stalin had. Basically pure evil.]

[And yes, the next question is what does it say about my friend that he was dating her? Believe me, I ask him about this all the time now. He doesn’t want to think about it.]

So they move in, and because DemonWhore knows I hate her fucking guts, she is on her best behavior around me. She also makes sure to keep basically everything they do a secret from me. It wasn’t hard: she had Junior so fucking wrapped, it was ridiculous. The extent of their se- cret life was so complete that they got married while they lived with me, and I didn’t know. Not kidding at all.

One night they are out to dinner alone, kinda drunk, and they decide they want to get married. Not eventually. THAT NIGHT. Well, because DemonWhore is a whore who has fucked most of the rich and powerful men in Boca, she called up two friends of hers: A priest who could marry them, and a lawyer to witness it.