For Him - Shawn Mendes

WHATEVER stands between us

SHAWN

1st of May, 2022

"How was I suppose to know that was gonna happen?!" I growl, my hands flying above my head. Rainwater from my saturated hair trails across my forehead.

Hannah glares at me, her voice shaking with anger, "That's the point, Shawn! You never know! You can't just leave the apartment with the freaking oven on!"

"I thought you were home," I yell back, "You told me you'd be home!"

She shakes her head angrily and holds her forehead in her hand, "I told you this morning I had an appointment, God, you never listen!"

"I've been stressed," I argue defensively, my voice dry and raspy, "We only ever fight these days and I'm always away." I breathe out, "Not to mention your period hasn't come yet,"

"Why does that have anything to do with you almost setting our apartment on fire?" Her voice is cold now. Scared and cold.

I run my hand through my hair, shaking the water out angrily. "Because it's making us paranoid, Hannah, you know that. I haven't been thinking properly, and neither have you."

"Because it scares you?" She asks quietly, "The idea of me being pregnant?"

"Well, of course it does." I say, my hand reaching for her shoulder. She shrugs me off.

When she doesn't say anything, I take her hands in mine. "Hannah?" Her fingers are cold and wet from the storm outside, and she tries to wriggle from my grasp to cover her eyes, now bloodshot and wet. "Why're you crying? Hey, it's only an oven. Gorgeous?"

"I'm scared," She manages through tears, her anger vanishing as she steps towards me, her face disappearing in my jacket.

"About what?" I ask quietly, kissing the top of her head.

She takes in a sharp breath, fast and heavy. "We're only 23," She whispers, "Shawn, and I know it's something we've always wanted, but I didn't think it would be like this. I don't know if I can handle this."

"What are you trying to tell me?" I ask, wiping slow tears from below her eye with my thumb.

"Shawn," She says, "What if I was pregnant? What if I am?"

I blink, my eyes widening and my mind completely blank as I process her words. She's pregnant. "You are? Is it...mine?" I ask stupidly, swallowing the dry lump in my throat.

"Obviously," A small smile pulls at her lips, and her cheeks shine through wet tears.

My mouth opens, but only hot air comes out. "Oh," I breath.

Her eyes pull away from mine, her lips pursing together as she stares down at her socks. "Oh," She repeats sadly.

She looks up at me, then, and her beautiful chestnut eyes meet mine. Silently, she pleads me to say something to her. My head is still making sense of her words. Pregnant... That means I'm going to be a father. Oh my god. Oh my...

"Oh!" My mouth hangs further open and my eyes light up with excitement. "I'm going to be a dad!"

Hannah smiles wider, her voice small behind tears, "Yes!"

"And you're going to be a mum! Oh my god!" I pull her closer to me with one swift movement, scooping her small body into my arms. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, we're going to have a family!"

HANNAH

I wasn't sure what I was suppose to do. For a while I was in denial, continuing at work as if nothing had happened - as if a bomb hadn't just been dropped into our lives; as if there wasn't an elephant in the room every time Shawn and I sat down together to eat dinner. For a while it seemed unreal.

But this new life was real, and soon it was going to be real. It brought with it a sense of excitement so frightening that sometimes my chest would close in on itself in the middle of meetings and I'd have to stumble out of my office building and into the crowded streets of New York just to breathe.

It made me lay awake at night and wonder if a child was a responsibility either Shawn or I had to time for. It had been five years since he'd proposed to me and we'd only just started talking about marriage arrangements, but even then we were always too busy to plan. And a kid... it didn't seem possible.

But maybe it triggered something in us, something we needed after half a decade of being stuck in our own lives, invested in each other only when he went on tour and I replaced my job at Penguin with photography. It kickstarted something in us that made both Shawn and I more aware of the time we spent together; and suddenly every second of our spare time was dedicated to this life growing within me.

This life that, as our doctor explained at our first ultrasound, was the size of a bean.

"And is Bean looking healthy?" Shawn asked, holding his breath.

The doctor flipped through his folder, his eyes scanning ticks on the page as he nodded, smiling, "Yes, so far so good."

He squeezed my hand then, keeping his fingers wrapped firmly around mine until we arrived home, where his smile grew huge as he told me he'd arranged a gap in the South American tour for us to get married. "You're ready, right?"

"I am," I confirmed, and squeezed his hand tighter.

Shawn's eyes glazed over as he peered down at me. "Are you sure?"

"Believe in me," I nodded softly, "I really am."

SHAWN

1st of July, 2022

I bring my hand to my chest, where it rests above my beating heart. From where I stand my eyes trace the room, over to where Chloe, Aaliyah and Emily stand beside Riley, Brian and Noah. Light yellow flowers fill a decorative archway. Our family and our friends sit in a sea of colourful dresses and suits. My eyes land on an aisle.

A chorus of hushes follows the sweet melody of piano as a wall of roses opens and Hannah steps forward, hand in hand with her dad. And here, as I watch this scene unfold in front of my eyes my knees grow weak and there's a tear in my right eye because she looks so impossibly beautiful.

We're surrounded by people but their noise and colour blurs into the greens of the clearing as she stands beside me. It feels as if it's only her and I. Hannah and me. A pastor clears his throat but his words fade behind the buzzing in my head.

5 years ago I played my first show at Madison Square Garden. I was nervous beyond belief but the second I set foot on stage my nerves washed away; the butterflies once in my chest then exploding over the audience, creating this aura that we were all floating an inch above the ground. The next time I played at MSG the butterflies returned, stronger than before, more announced and profound.

But as the pastor beside me asks if I take Hannah to be my wife the feeling returns bigger and more outstanding than ever before. Though, they're not butterflies this time; they're more like swans that match the colour of her wedding dress; and they're powerful, they're so goddamn powerful that I have to look down quickly to check if my feet are still on the ground. I say I do, and gravity feels tenuous.